Spring is coming

March. It's March. The month when we start to hope for spring and it's not just a distant thing anymore, it's actually in the air. It's the month of my dad's birthday. It's the month when you start getting the garden ready for the new season. It's the month of firsts. First coffee outside in the sunshine up against wall somewhere. First bike ride of the year. First run outside without risking to fall on ice. Hopefully the first golf session. All of the firsts that come every year over and over again. 

And this year it's the first spring without her. And it hurts like crazy. We've reached the time when people start to forget. Or at least stop asking. But while it hurt in the beginning, it's nothing compared to now. Now when it starts to sink in. She is gone. For ever. I will never again see my mum. I don't know what I believe, but at this stage to be honest I don't really care. I will not see her here, and that's all I can think about. I keep looking at her photo and it's like being punched in the stomach. I miss her so much. It's a constant pain. 

I would relive the last painful, slow days of my mum's life if it meant that I could see her again. I would do anything to see her again. I didn't know pain like this existed before.