Thoughts in the dark

When you sit on the floor,

hiding from everything.

Tears rolling down your cheeks,

and the world feels scarier than in a long time.

When you stare out the window,

wishing you could run away,

from the person that you've become.

And your life feels lonelier than in a long time.

When you shake uncontrollably,

thinking that this is better than not feeling anything.

Realising that they're wrong,

and hoping they will see it too.

When the candle in the window goes out,

the darkness surrounds you.

The world is out there,

and all you want to do is push it as far away as possible.

Routine

It's a strange feeling,
looking at photos knowing things will never be the same again.
It's a strange feeling,
losing someone without really knowing why.
It's a strange feeling,
to sit here and wonder where it all went wrong.

I wake up in the morning,
I get dressed,
I go to school,
I talk, I read, I laugh.
I go home in the evening.
I go to bed.
Everything looks the same.
But every morning I fight that voice.
Every day I pretend everything is okay.

Every evening I fall apart.

Let me go

There's a silence in my head I am trying to drench.
But it's not silent in the sense that it's quiet.
Quietness would be welcomed, it would be a relief.
Do you see the spot in my eyes?
There's this point I can't see past.
It blocks my sight,
and I am trapped.
The silence is loud, and it hurts.
I turn up the music, to hear something else for a while.
I keep telling myself it's all in my head.
And it probably is,
but that does not make it not real.
And that spot blocking my sight,
I have a feeling it's never going away.
In my head there's this voice telling me to learn how to live with it.
And I thought I had.
But who can learn to live with darkness?
Who wants to learn how to live with the horrors of night?
The silence drains me.
I don't know what to do anymore.

Outside

And then,
without really knowing how,
She was standing outside the window,
looking in.
Not allowed inside the closed doors.

And a silent tear fell down her cheek as she walked away.