Proud

I've read my blog. Started from the very beginning, which was spring 2010. And I've just read through the academic year of 2010/11. That was a difficult year for me. So much happened that year that I still struggle to understand. There's still so much pain and confusion lingering from that year. And reading those old blog entries I am reminded of how far I've come. I'm reminded of how dark I used to be. How dark the world seemed. And how lonely I was. One of the best things I've done in my life, and one of my proudest moments, was when I realised that it wasn't normal to feel like that and I went to get help. I started seeing Pat. And we talked. Mostly I talked. And I learned so much about myself. How I function. Some of those realisations have been with me this year. And I still ask myself sometimes "what would Pat say?" Because I have been terrified of falling back down. I have fought so hard to get this far. To not see the world in shades of black. I used to balance on the edge every minute of every day. And in the evenings I would curl up on the floor in my room and fall head first into a bottomless pit. I had to fight to get up. And after I did life became, not a dance on rainbows, but it became good. Summer of 2011 changed me. And returning to Nottingham in September 2011 I wasn't the same person. And that year. September 2011 to September 2012. There are no words for it. Best year ever. And I still had dark moments. But they were few. And when they came there were people there. People I could message. People I could see. People to hang out with and do random stuff with. Today those are my closest friends. I hope you know how special you are.

It is also because of you I have managed to stay afloat this year. I thought I would fall back into that darkness. But I am proud of myself. Because while life is difficult. More difficult now than ever before. It's not like that. It's not darkness and cold and loneliness.

I've come a long way. And it's good to be reminded of that. I am proud of myself. And I think Pat would be too.

The impossible project

I've taken on an almost impossible project. To gather all my blog entries since the winter of 2008 in one place. These entries are spread over three blogs, not counting this one! I seem slightly crazy and obsessed when I think about that. But then again, I have always been a diary writer.

In an entry from the spring of 2008 I found a list of sorts, and it seemed appropriate to repeat it since it was five and a half years ago I wrote it, and the first question is
5 years ago... I had spent two months in Nottingham and was loving every minute of it.
3 years ago... I had returned back to Nottingham after my year abroad in Mexico and was trying to fit back into British life again.
1 year ago... I had lived in London for a month and was getting more and more desperate (and depressed) to find a job. One of the darkest periods of my life.
3 months ago... I had just moved back to Sweden and my parents house again after having spent five years abroad.
Yesterday... It was Saturday and my parents and I went to my grandmother and celebrated me getting a job and watched movies from when my brother and I were little. It brought my grandmother to tears and laughter watching us play with our beloved grandfather whom is no longer with us.
Today... I haven't done much at all except continued going through homemade videos and cutting them down to manageable sizes.
Tomorrow... Is the start of my final week as unemployed (for this time). And I am going to do absolutely nothing and not feel guilty about it or think that I should be searching through job sites instead.
In one year... I will be working in Sweden. Living in my own place. And my mum will still be here.

OneFineStay

I know I complained a lot.
I know I whined a lot.
I know it wasn't all sunshine and happy days.
I know it was actually pretty far from that.
But sitting here, thinking back, I miss it.
Quite a lot.

OneFineStay.

It was only 6 months. And they went by so quickly. But regardless of the crap we had to put up with there it was such a wonderful place to work. With amazing people. And great opportunities. And I'm sure it's only become better since I left. And will probably become even better as they keep on growing and finding the best way of doing things.

OFS London. I miss you guys. And sometimes I wish I was still there with you guys going through the motions. You are an incredible bunch of people. Some of the best actually. And that's not just me being sentimental. I laughed more with you than I had in a long time.

Life changes quickly.

Memories that awaken old dreams

I read a review of one of Ursula LeGuin's books and it threw me straight back to Nottingham and my days as a student. It seems so long ago now. It's over a year ago since I handed in my masters dissertation. In my third year of uni I took a class called The Politics of Science Fiction. In that class we read Lathe of Heaven, by LeGuin. She's a brilliant author. I decided to open a folder on my computer which I have barely looked at for over a year. The folder labelled 'uni'. And for some reason I started opening my old essays and reading them. And I am truelly in awe. I can't believe I used to write things like that. I can't believe that that was my daily life. Reading articles. Formulating thoughts. Writing essays. It's seems so far removed from what I do today. If you had asked me then how my life would look like a a year and a couple of months after student life finished, my vision wouldn't have been anywhere close to reality. That sounded bitter. I'm not. At least not usually. It's just different. Very different.

I mean. I used to write sentences like this: "In pursuing this I will take on a Marxist approach and look heavily at the expansion of markets and the effects this had on the masses within different populations." Who writes like that? I used to. And I loved it. It makes me want to take up that old dream (okay, not that old) of doing a PhD. How cool and painful and amazing wouldn't that be? Only problem is I think I'm more likely winning the lottery than getting a PhD place in Sweden. The other option is to do it in the UK. But that would kind of defeat the whole purpose of moving back to Sweden. And besides, I have no money what so ever. Let alone money to finance five years of higher education. But oh wouldn't it be wonderful? I think it would. Maybe I should start working on that proposal again? Couldn't hurt.

Why am I doing this?

I really should stop reading what you write.

It only brings pain and bad memories.

And fyi, I didn't dump you. You turned your back on me.

Which pushed me over the edge once and for all.

Just to let you know.

I love you

I have this memory,

from when I was around 9-10 years old.

We lived in Norway back then,

away from family.

In a new culture, trying to find our way on our first living abroad experience

(there's been plenty after that, moving is second nature to me by now).

One day my mum came and told me that the circus was coming to town,

and that if I wanted to we could go.

If I wanted to? What kind of question was that?

Of course I wanted to!

And then she said the magic words,

the words that has made this event stick in my head like few other memories have.

It was just going to be me and dad.

My brother was going to stay at home,

because mum thought it'd be good for us to have some time alone,

just me and dad.

I loved it.

I was in heaven.

Just me and dad.

No homework to be done.

No brother calling for attention.

It was a great day.

We bought popcorn,

and laughed at the clowns.

It was such a perfect day.

Now, living in a different country than my parents, I often think back to those days.

When it was just me and them, and my brother.

And I remember days like that,

with just me and my dad.

And it makes me want to buy the first plane ticket home.

Just to have one more day like that,

just me and my dad.

What I did a year ago

The photo is self-explanatory with regards to what I did a year ago today ;)
Central Park, New York City.

What I did a year ago

It's been a year since I met up with a close friend in NYC to have lunch,
after not having seen each other for a year.
Needless to say,
it was a good day.

What I did a year ago

A year ago I was being a tourist in NYC.

Where I drove a year ago

A year ago today we reached our final destination of the road trip of my life.
New York City.

What I did a year ago

A year ago we were two days away from our six week goal,
and Benji broke down.
Our day at the beach in Cape Cod never happened.

What I did a year ago

A year ago, today, I was on a whale safari while staying at Cape Cod.
Pretty amazing...

What I did a year ago

I was walking around in Cambridge, outside of Boston.
Before we took the car and drove to Cape Cod.

Where I spent my day a year ago

In park in Boston.

Where I was a year ago

It's been a year since we drove through five states in one day...
Pennsylvania, New York, Vermont, New Hampshire and finally Massachusetts.

What I did a year ago

Washington DC is a great city to be a tourist in,
and that's what I was on this day last year.

Where I was a year ago

An evening strole through Washington DC,
after having driven all day from North Carolina.

Where I was a year ago

In a suburbian area of a town in North Carolina.

Where I spent my day a year ago

A beach in North Carolina.
It was a perfect day.

What I did a year ago

So, a year ago today I got to watch a minor league baseball game in North Carolina.
It was.....
Quite boring, to be honest.