Tears in my eyes

Some days are harder than others. Some evenings are more difficult than others. For no apparent reason. I mean, obviously there's a reason. I'm living with this constant dark cloud not so much on the horizon as looming right next to me. And while I've lived with darkness before I've never experienced anything like this. How could I have. But that means that some days, for no specific reason, are harder than others. Because no human being can live with this constant darkness in their life and not be effected by it. It's difficult. It's painful. And it's horrible. Everything else fades away in comparison.

Some evenings are just harder than others..

Finding a balance

It's that feeling.

Of having wonderful days surrounded by beautiful people.

And then having dark nights, filled with monsters.

It feels like I'm not allowed to take the happiness with me when I switch off the lights.

Thoughts in the dark

When you sit on the floor,

hiding from everything.

Tears rolling down your cheeks,

and the world feels scarier than in a long time.

When you stare out the window,

wishing you could run away,

from the person that you've become.

And your life feels lonelier than in a long time.

When you shake uncontrollably,

thinking that this is better than not feeling anything.

Realising that they're wrong,

and hoping they will see it too.

When the candle in the window goes out,

the darkness surrounds you.

The world is out there,

and all you want to do is push it as far away as possible.

Facts

There is always hope,
or so I'm being told.

Facts

They say Sweden is darker than England,
I'm no longer so sure.

Mad World

All around me are familiar faces
worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world
Enlarge your world, mad world

I was told it's okay to be dark,
as long as you don't let it swallow you for all eternity.
Nights of darkness is not necessarily a bad thing,
by letting it you process it.
So I will curl up in my big, comfy chair.
I will listen to sad songs.
And I will miss you,
And I will let it wash over me,
like the old friend it has become.

Routine

It's a strange feeling,
looking at photos knowing things will never be the same again.
It's a strange feeling,
losing someone without really knowing why.
It's a strange feeling,
to sit here and wonder where it all went wrong.

I wake up in the morning,
I get dressed,
I go to school,
I talk, I read, I laugh.
I go home in the evening.
I go to bed.
Everything looks the same.
But every morning I fight that voice.
Every day I pretend everything is okay.

Every evening I fall apart.

Let me go

There's a silence in my head I am trying to drench.
But it's not silent in the sense that it's quiet.
Quietness would be welcomed, it would be a relief.
Do you see the spot in my eyes?
There's this point I can't see past.
It blocks my sight,
and I am trapped.
The silence is loud, and it hurts.
I turn up the music, to hear something else for a while.
I keep telling myself it's all in my head.
And it probably is,
but that does not make it not real.
And that spot blocking my sight,
I have a feeling it's never going away.
In my head there's this voice telling me to learn how to live with it.
And I thought I had.
But who can learn to live with darkness?
Who wants to learn how to live with the horrors of night?
The silence drains me.
I don't know what to do anymore.

Monsters

As the lights are switched off,
the monsters come from under the bed.
All you want to do is hide,
but you know that is not the answer.
So you pull yourself together into a tight ball,
and hold on for dear life.

Need a break

A used up milk carton.
A loud noise.
A phone call.
An incomplete essay.

It all builds up.
And eventually it all bursts.

Shaking.
Tears.
Into a corner.
Hiding.

Sometimes the world is too much.

And so it came

And so it came.
The feeling that had been chased away for so long.
The sadness and sorrow.
The longing and loneliness.
The devestation and destruction.

And so it came.
The feeling that had not been present for so long.
The need to hide.
To run.
To return.

And so it came.
The feeling that had been supressed for so long.


Lost in a world that is too big.