Ten years

Today, ten years ago, a close friend of mine passed away from a benign brain tumor. That was when I learned that 'benign' did not mean 'nothing to worry about'. It's also the first time I understood what tumors entailed. And it was when a darkness I had never known before entered my life. I still carry so many scars from that day, and the months that followed. But I've fought hard to stop them from being open wounds. The 15th of every month used to be a struggle. Today I feel more sad than dark. I wonder what kind of an amazing woman she would have been. I miss you Effie. I carry you with me everywhere. And don't think for a minute that I've forgotten about you.

Tomorrow we're going to the hospital for my mum's regular three month check up. We see the oncologist and he gives us a status report. I don't think any of us are expecting to hear anything but bad news. Life is a struggle. And it doesn't get easier. It's always terrifying going for these checks. After, no matter what the news, we can relax and push on for another three months. It means we've survived another three months and are ready for the next ones.

I'm sleeping in my room at my parents house. I need the comfort of being close. Being home. I love my flat. But on nights like these there's no other place I can be.

Ten years. And I'm back in the hell I was in then. It's strange though. This time it's so much closer. But I'm not as dark. But trust me. It's a constant battle to not go down that road and embrace the dark that was my best friend for so long.

7 years and 364 days

I haven't written for a while. But now seems appropriate. Tomorrow's the day. The dreaded day. Just thinking about it gives me goosebumps. I've come so far. I don't want it to pull me back down again. I don't think it will. I will not let it. But still. You never know. I will dream about you tonight though. And tomorrow. I can't believe it will have been 8 years tomorrow. EIGHT years. That's a really long time. But as always, and probably for forever, I remember it like it was yesterday. I won't bore you by going into the details. Again. That day showed me how dark the world can be. But also how strong friendships are formed. How close people can become after having faced a nightmare.

I've come a long way.
But I have by no means forgotten about you.
You're in everything I do.
And I miss you.
And I wonder what kind of wonderful women you would have grown up to be.
Would you have travelled the world? Studied at uni?
There's no point to think 'what if?'.
But sometimes I can't help it.
That day my world changed.
7 years and 364 days ago.

It still feels like yesterday.

Effie

It used to be the day of darkness.

It's not anymore.

It's still quite a sad day though,

reminds me of how much I miss you.

And how much my life has changed since that day.

7 years. 6 months.

Nothing will ever be like it used to.

I gave her a rose

I went to see her today.
My angel.
It was beautiful.
The rain stopped for the thirty minutes I spent with here,
and the sun broke through the clouds.
It felt good,
it felt right.
I'm happy I did it.
I'm happy I had the strength to go.
Next week it's been 7 years.
I cannot grasp that it's been that long.
2004, it said on her stone.
It feels like a life time ago,
and it feels like it was yesterday.

I felt calm when I left.
It was perfect,
or at least as perfect as it can be without you here.

Dear friend,

I am so glad that I have you.
We went through the most terrible thing together.
The moment that has shaped me into who I am,
for better or worse.
And while I would take that moment back in a heartbeat if I could,
as I know you would too,
it has given me so many things.
Our close friendship being one of them.
And to be able to talk about it with you,
and knowing that you understand.
That truly means everything.
I love you,
and I am so grateful that you are back in my life.

What if?

People say that your choices shape your life.
Everything you've gone through, the good's and the bad's,
have taken you to this very moment.
If you say you wish you could change one thing of your past,
it would mean changing everything you are today.
Because without that one event, you might not have ended up here.

If I could, I'd change it all.
If I could have you alive,
it wouldn't matter anymore.
I'd give it all up, who I am.
Just to have you in this world.

You shaped me, through your disease.
I am who I am because of it,
and most days I agree with it.
Most days I'm grateful for all the choices I've made,
that they've taken me to where I am.
But never, never will I be grateful for what you have taught me.
I would be willing to forget it all,
forget what it's like to live with a never-ending ache.
Forget what it's like to be surrounded by darkness.
Forget what it's like to survive the unthinkable.

They say life makes you strong,
that going through unbearable things you learn you will survive anything.
And yes, I know that I will survive the most horrible things,
because I already have gone through it all.

But trust me when I say,
I would change it all in an instant if I could have you back here.
If I could hear you laugh,
see you grow old,
plan your future,
live your life.
I'd go back, and change who I am.

But I can't.
So instead I get to live with "what if's?"
But atleast I got to live,
while you didn't.
I get to live,
you don't.

Six years. Five months,

They called me up to see if I had heard
about the accident
the accident of a girl sick with the world

This isn't news, it's all old stuff
underneath and above us
one arrives and one takes off
but Let's Not Fall Apart!
oh, silence, my heart

all the things I did with you and all the
things we'll never do
I saw the sun come up/fall down
the days were fast, but time
was much too slow

some pretty concrete-sky
was blackening my eyes
I stood here and I tried to scream, but what came out
well, not much of the things I meant to do
with my life

efficiency above all
get yourself free by following a plot
you wake & eat & sleep & wake until it's much too late

now finally I see
how easy it would be
to get the world off of me
and get the spies out from the windows
and lift myself above the rooftops
to leace and to never return
I waited my whole life for this answer

all the things I did with you and all the
things we'll never do
I saw the sun come up/fall down
the days were fast, but time
was much too slow

-David & the Citizens. Oh how wonderful they are.

They say time heals all wounds. They say that it will get easier.
So why is there still a stabbing pain in my heart?
Why do I wake up with tears on my cheeks after having seen you in my dreams?
Life's not fair, I know that.
But this, this is just cruel if you ask me.

THE day

Can you remember when it all changed?
Can you point back to one single moment as life altering?
Can you say the date?
Do you remember where you were?
Do you remember who you were with?
Do you remember obscure details?


A month into the new school year.
We were young and carefree.
15th of September 2004.
We were sitting in room 112, I was in the back row.
Inbetween two poeple I'll never forget.
I had a headache that morning, was considering staying at home.
It was the worst day of my life.
But I have never been happier I went to school.


Do you think back and wonder where it all went wrong?
Do you think back wishing it had been different?
Do you think back asking why it had to happen to you?
Do you think back knowing that moment shaped the rest of your life?

I do.

It only takes a moment

It only takes one moment, one second even.
And everything changes.

It only takes one blink of an eye, and I am back to where it all changed.
The memories etched into my head for all eternity.

People say we move on,
people say time heal all wounds.

My response?
Bullshit.

I close my eyes, and see your smile.
And I can't help but wonder,
it would all have been so different.
If you had stayed with us.

Things changed for all time that day.
One moment. Everything was perfect.
The next, it all went dark.