Closing down

I can feel myself doing it. I know the patterns so well. Been through it so many times before. The saying goodbye. The leaving. The packing. The ending. In my head I am mentally closing down my English life. And I am pulling away. Being distant. More so with some than with others. It terrifies me that my closest friends here will go on with their lives like normal. Their lives won't end just because I am leaving. That'd be stupid. But that doesn't make it easier. So instead, I am shutting down. Pulling away. Because that's easier. So much easier. Because I will miss them terribly. And I am not quite sure how I will do all of this without them. I can't get it into my head that I won't be sitting here on the sofa with D next week and do nothing together. We have seen each other almost every day for over a year. Almost. And now I won't. Can't imagine it.

So if I seem cold. Or quiet. Or distant.

This is why. I am saying goodbye.

Burning the past

It's a strange feeling, packing up your life in one country. It's not like you're just moving houses. You're moving country. Which means so much more. It means you need to cancel your phone (which I haven't done yet). It means you have to decide what is worth shipping over and what you can throw out (which I have partially done). It means saying goodbye to people you love (which I haven't done yet, and which terrifies me). It means quitting your job (which I have done). There's so much stuff you need to do!

Tonight, I burned my bank statements. And other pieces of paper which I don't want to take with me but don't want to throw out because they have sensitive information on them. So me and the housemate that is still my housemate had a fire and burned some of his crap, and at the same time we burned my English identity. That's what it felt like. Like my English life just went up into flames. Very weird. And very strange. But it is a new chapter. As a (former) colleague told me on Friday, it is a new beginning. That'w hos I need to look at it.

I also have (had) the most amazing job with the most amazing people. They threw me one hell of a leaving party. With lots of laughs. Lots of hugs. Lots of drinks. Lots of love. I will never forget it. They are a good bunch. Some of the best. In case you were wondering.

4 days, 5 nights, left of my life in England. It's still incredibly surreal. I don't know if I'll get it even when I am on that plane. Life will never be the same again. That's for sure.

There comes a time

There comes a time when you just want it to end.
You are having so much fun, but you are tired.
You do not wake up anymore to enjoy the day,
you wake up so that the day will pass and a new night soon will come.
And with that night, a new day, and so on.

There comes a time when you just have had enough.
When all you want is to move on.
You no longer see the fun in what you are doing,
you see it as a means to an end.
That end being time moving on faster so it all will end.

There comes a time like this,
when you try so hard to not think about what is ahead.
When you tell yourself to enjoy what is now, because soon it will be gone.
There comes a time when you just want it all to end.
When you just have had enough.