Remember to breathe

I've been so busy lately with getting my apartment sorted that I haven't had much time to think. Which in a way is very good. And has been quite nice. But it's still around me. And I don't really know how to feel. Lately I've been feeling guilty because I've been almost happy over the last weeks. Saw my English friends for a week in Italy. Followed by moving. So much happiness and joy. I've barely thought about cancer. And death. And darkness. So instead I've been feeling guilty. Which I know is crazy. Because of course I'm allowed some happiness. So whenever I've been feeling guilty I've pushed it away. Tried to shake it off. It generally works. But I also have to remember to let myself feel. To remember to breathe. It's okay to feel. It's okay to fall apart. And it's okay to have moments of joy.

Tears in my eyes

Some days are harder than others. Some evenings are more difficult than others. For no apparent reason. I mean, obviously there's a reason. I'm living with this constant dark cloud not so much on the horizon as looming right next to me. And while I've lived with darkness before I've never experienced anything like this. How could I have. But that means that some days, for no specific reason, are harder than others. Because no human being can live with this constant darkness in their life and not be effected by it. It's difficult. It's painful. And it's horrible. Everything else fades away in comparison.

Some evenings are just harder than others..

Looking out the window

It's destructive,
this world we're living in.
You're supposed to do so much,
be so much.
And yet we are clueless,
not knowing what to do, or what we are.

You are bombarded with information from all corners,
there is nowhere to hide.
You're expected to be up to date,
every hour, every minute.
But you know that it is killing you,
this constant need to know everything.

It hurts,
it's like a constant reminder.

The virtual world is crap, real life is so much better.
Caye Caulker, Belize. Dec. 2009.

Of what I used to have,
of who I used to have.
Of what I used to do,
and never will do again.
Of who I used to laugh with,
but are not anymore.
It's a reminder of everything,
the good and the bad.

Right now though,
the bad seem to be winning.
So I'm taking a break from it all.
To run away from the pain,
the confusion,
the heartaches.
I'm saying good bye,
I don't know for how long.
But no,
you cannot find me on facebook.



It hurts too much.

Here we go again

It's kind of scary,

how comfortable this feeling is,

how familiar it is.

It's been with me all day,

and I've just let it be there.

Without even trying to fight.

Some days,

some days you just have to let it come.

Right?

That doesn't meen it will be like before,

it's just one day.

Please let it be just one day...

I don't want to have to run away...

Photo taken in northern Mexico on the way to the US.

Truth

No,

I'm not doing that great right now.

Yes,

I'm struggling.

Dealing with it

She decided to open her eyes and look out the window,
instead of just always looking inward.
She decided to take deep breaths,
instead of just gasping for air like a sinking dog.
She decided to let her shoulders drop,
instead of suffer through extreme tension.
She decided to deal with everything,
instead of pretending that everything was fine.

It lasted five whole minutes.
And then she fell back onto the bed.
Drained.
Exhausted.
Empty.

It's tiresome to get to grips with yourself.