Rambling

It's never easy to reshape the way you think.
You're way of thinking is who you are,
for better or for worse.
To re-learn how to think is a tiresome adventure,
a path I'm not sure I'm ready to walk.
But I don't think I have any other options.
It's like learning a new language,
without a proper book to learn from.
And I hate learning new langauges,
I love knowing them
I hate learning them.
Always have.
And now I have to learn a new language,
not out of want or desire,
but out of necessity.
I wish there was a book,
similar to my French grammar book lying in front of me.
A guide to take me through the steps.
Where do I start?
Basic vocab and present tense verbs is always the starting point it seems,
but what would the equivalent be when it is me I am re-learning?
I already have a language to think in,
I actually have five.
But none of them seem to work right now,
as I still end up thinking in the same manner as before.
Instead I find myself having endless discussions with myself,
and trust me, that's not very interesting or pleasent.
Usually it goes something along the lines of:
"God I'm stupid."
"No you're not. Stop saying stupid things like that."
"Fine, but I'm still stupid even if I don't say it."
"But you're not. So stop it. Stop being so stupid!"
"Ha! Told you! I AM stupid."
But on the rare occassion I manage to trick myself into believing the world isn't a dark, horrible place I actually do see the stars in the sky and the sunshine in the raindrops.
So maybe these tiring conversations is what I need,
maybe I have all the sufficient language for it.
I mean, it doesn't matter which language I say it in,
it's still the same thoughts.
Debate.
Discuss.
Speak your mind.
Let it out.
Listen to it.
Contemplate.
Take it in.
Take the other side.
Push yourself,
because no one ever said it was easy to be sane.