Studying for exams.
Saying good bye to dear friends.
Filling out paper work for next year.
Sorting out internship overseas.
Eating.
Sleeping.
Non-related issues that bring constant annoyance.
It's all building up.
I might turn into an erupting volcano any day now..
2011-05-31
2011-05-29
What I did a year ago
A year ago I had an amazing lunch at this cute coffee house somewhere along the Oregon coast heading toward Portland.2011-05-28
It's exam time
You know you should stop studying when you fall asleep while high-lighting,
and thus making your whole page very colourful.
and thus making your whole page very colourful.
What I did a year ago
A year ago I was stranded in the small town of Coos Bay in southern Oregon due to car trouble. They had an amazing sunset.
Mad World
All around me are familiar faces
worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world
Enlarge your world, mad world
worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world
Enlarge your world, mad world
I was told it's okay to be dark,
as long as you don't let it swallow you for all eternity.
Nights of darkness is not necessarily a bad thing,
by letting it you process it.
So I will curl up in my big, comfy chair.
I will listen to sad songs.
And I will miss you,
And I will let it wash over me,
like the old friend it has become.
as long as you don't let it swallow you for all eternity.
Nights of darkness is not necessarily a bad thing,
by letting it you process it.
So I will curl up in my big, comfy chair.
I will listen to sad songs.
And I will miss you,
And I will let it wash over me,
like the old friend it has become.
FYI
I withdraw at the sight of danger,
or so I've been told.
I'm too sick of the pain,
to even allow me to go that far.
And yes,
I miss you every second of every minute of every day.
And that will never change.
Because in my heart I know that you should be here.
And I see a giant black hole where you used to be.
I move on natural instinct,
or so I've been told.
Fight or flight is my way of life.
But I'm too tired to fight,
so I flee.
In the other direction,
as fast as I possibly can.
Because I'm walking on the edge,
and have for quite a while.
And probably always will.
Just FYI.
or so I've been told.
I'm too sick of the pain,
to even allow me to go that far.
And yes,
I miss you every second of every minute of every day.
And that will never change.
Because in my heart I know that you should be here.
And I see a giant black hole where you used to be.
I move on natural instinct,
or so I've been told.
Fight or flight is my way of life.
But I'm too tired to fight,
so I flee.
In the other direction,
as fast as I possibly can.
Because I'm walking on the edge,
and have for quite a while.
And probably always will.
Just FYI.
2011-05-27
2011-05-26
What I did a year ago
Day 12:
Our second day in San Francisco we got to see the Golden Gate in all its glory.
Adding music
There's a guitar standing in the corner of my room.
I don't know how to play it.
But I like the look of it.
Think of all the stories it could tell,
if it was in the hands of someone who could get them out.
I always wished I could play an instrument,
words often sound better with music.
It gets so quiet otherwise.
Finding words that fit together isn't that difficult,
but finding notes that belong with eachother,
that's a whole other story.
But then again,
maybe that's just me.
The girl who always wished she could play,
or sing.
But no,
so instead,
I write.
Without the music.
Usually it works just as well,
it's just a bit quieter.
I don't know how to play it.
But I like the look of it.
Think of all the stories it could tell,
if it was in the hands of someone who could get them out.
I always wished I could play an instrument,
words often sound better with music.
It gets so quiet otherwise.
Finding words that fit together isn't that difficult,
but finding notes that belong with eachother,
that's a whole other story.
But then again,
maybe that's just me.
The girl who always wished she could play,
or sing.
But no,
so instead,
I write.
Without the music.
Usually it works just as well,
it's just a bit quieter.
Pictures from a different time
Continuation with catching up the days from last year's drive.
Day 6:
Grand Canyon, needless to say, it was amazing.
Day 7:
Yes, we took Route 66 to Vegas.
Day 8:
What can I say? It's Vegas.
Day 9:
The Pacific and Highway 1, roadtrips don't get better than this!
Day 10:
Santa Cruz, California.
There we go! All caught up! As of tomorrow, there will be one photo a day. "Where I was a year ago"-style.
Grand Canyon, needless to say, it was amazing.Day 7:
Yes, we took Route 66 to Vegas.Day 8:
What can I say? It's Vegas.Day 9:
The Pacific and Highway 1, roadtrips don't get better than this!Day 10:
Santa Cruz, California.2011-05-25
When the unreal happens
It's difficult.
I'm pushing it out of my mind as much as I can.
But it's difficult.
I'm trying to focus on exams,
revision.
But it keeps popping up.
In two weeks tomorrow,
I'll be at Heathrow waiting for my flight to take me away.
My African adventure.
Two and a half months.
I cannot believe it.
I'm pushing it out of my mind as much as I can.
But it's difficult.
I'm trying to focus on exams,
revision.
But it keeps popping up.
In two weeks tomorrow,
I'll be at Heathrow waiting for my flight to take me away.
My African adventure.
Two and a half months.
I cannot believe it.
Travel memories
So, when I posted the photo from San Francisco I got really exited and started looking through my photos from the trip. So I'm going to start a little series and post one photo a day from the trip. The photo will be from exactly one year ago. I realise I am a couple of days behind as we did set off from Guadalajara on the 15th of May. So just not to miss out on anything I'll post several photos in the firsts posts just to catch up ;) It's going to be tough to just choose one picture from each day, but atleast it's not one photo from each state!
So here we go.
17th of May was spent walking around the colourful city of Tucson.
Day 4:
Hiking in a park on the outskirts of Phoenix.
Day 5:
Driving from Phoenix to Flagstaff, through Red Rock County.
So here we go.
Day 1:
A fully packed Benji ready to head off for the great adventure!
Day 2:
We made ourselves comfortable and did a 15 hour drive all the way to Tucson.
Day 3:
We made ourselves comfortable and did a 15 hour drive all the way to Tucson.
Day 3:
17th of May was spent walking around the colourful city of Tucson.
Day 4:
Hiking in a park on the outskirts of Phoenix.Day 5:
Driving from Phoenix to Flagstaff, through Red Rock County.Memories
It's a weird thing,
this thing called life.
Constant movement while filling up your soul with memories that shape you into who you are.
Looking back can be scary,
it can be fun,
it can be comforting.
Five years ago, I was just a couple of days away from finishing my last IB exam.
Four years ago, and three years ago, I was most likely running around in McDonalds.
Two years ago, I was in the middle of exams here in Nottingham.
One year ago, I was on the adventure of a lifetime.
We were walking the streets of San Francisco,
after having been on the road for 11 days.
Out of 44 in total.
We had reached our third state,
out of 28.
Just you, me, and our little Benji.
It was a good time,
and I still find it unreal that I have driven across the United States,
28 states, in six weeks.
Unreal....
But oh what amazing memories were created during those weeks.
this thing called life.
Constant movement while filling up your soul with memories that shape you into who you are.
Looking back can be scary,
it can be fun,
it can be comforting.
Five years ago, I was just a couple of days away from finishing my last IB exam.
Four years ago, and three years ago, I was most likely running around in McDonalds.
Two years ago, I was in the middle of exams here in Nottingham.
One year ago, I was on the adventure of a lifetime.
We were walking the streets of San Francisco,
after having been on the road for 11 days.
Out of 44 in total.
We had reached our third state,
out of 28.
Just you, me, and our little Benji.
It was a good time,
and I still find it unreal that I have driven across the United States,
28 states, in six weeks.
Unreal....
But oh what amazing memories were created during those weeks.
Taken one year ago, exactly.
The Golden Gate bridge as it is often seen, through fog and rain.
The Golden Gate bridge as it is often seen, through fog and rain.
2011-05-21
Dear internet, I hate you.
We tell us that it's okay,
that this new day and age is better than the past.
But I'm not so sure.
We tell us that we can stay connected,
so it's okay if we choose to live far away.
But I can tell you right here and now,
it is all a lie.
Internet just makes it worse.
We create an illusion of that everything,
and everyone, is close by.
That no one is ever far away.
But it's not true.
The internet can never replace reality.
A skype conversation can never replace a five hour long visit to a café.
A facebook message cannot replace the feeling of just bumping into an old friend.
We pretend this is the world we want,
where we have friends all over the world.
But it's not true.
If I could have one wish,
that would be to take everyone I know and love,
and place them all in the same country.
If I could be more specific,
I'd place them all in the same town.
I say screw the internet,
it is just a constant reminder of the people you've lost,
and the people you miss.
that this new day and age is better than the past.
But I'm not so sure.
We tell us that we can stay connected,
so it's okay if we choose to live far away.
But I can tell you right here and now,
it is all a lie.
Internet just makes it worse.
We create an illusion of that everything,
and everyone, is close by.
That no one is ever far away.
But it's not true.
The internet can never replace reality.
A skype conversation can never replace a five hour long visit to a café.
A facebook message cannot replace the feeling of just bumping into an old friend.
We pretend this is the world we want,
where we have friends all over the world.
But it's not true.
If I could have one wish,
that would be to take everyone I know and love,
and place them all in the same country.
If I could be more specific,
I'd place them all in the same town.
I say screw the internet,
it is just a constant reminder of the people you've lost,
and the people you miss.
2011-05-19
For everyone who needs it
You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow
Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there
And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow.
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow
Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there
And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow.
And yes, especially to you my dear friend.
Life wouldn't be the same without you.
(The song? It's Cyndi Laupers True Colours.)
Life wouldn't be the same without you.
(The song? It's Cyndi Laupers True Colours.)
2011-05-18
Let's not start a new chapter
For once,
I am quite relieved that I'm not the one leaving.
It feels safe, calming,
and very, very nice.
It's a feeling I haven't had before,
and I'm surprised at how at ease with it I actually am.
There isn't a single bone in my body that tells me that I want to move on.
I think of the fact that I'm staying put,
and I exhale in comfort and relief.
I'm not starting a new chapter,
and I love it.
I am quite relieved that I'm not the one leaving.
It feels safe, calming,
and very, very nice.
It's a feeling I haven't had before,
and I'm surprised at how at ease with it I actually am.
There isn't a single bone in my body that tells me that I want to move on.
I think of the fact that I'm staying put,
and I exhale in comfort and relief.
I'm not starting a new chapter,
and I love it.
2011-05-15
Constant headache
Take away the sensation inside
Bitter sweet migraine in my head
Its like a throbbing toothache of the mind
I can't take this feeling anymore
Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensation's overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine
Out of body and out of mind
Kiss the demons out of my dreams
I get the funny feeling, that’s alright
Jimmy says its better than air,
I’ll tell you what
Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensation's overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing,
So give me Novacaine
Bitter sweet migraine in my head
Its like a throbbing toothache of the mind
I can't take this feeling anymore
Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensation's overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine
Out of body and out of mind
Kiss the demons out of my dreams
I get the funny feeling, that’s alright
Jimmy says its better than air,
I’ll tell you what
Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensation's overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing,
So give me Novacaine
2011-05-14
2011-05-12
Rambling
It's never easy to reshape the way you think.
You're way of thinking is who you are,
for better or for worse.
To re-learn how to think is a tiresome adventure,
a path I'm not sure I'm ready to walk.
But I don't think I have any other options.
It's like learning a new language,
without a proper book to learn from.
And I hate learning new langauges,
I love knowing them
I hate learning them.
Always have.
And now I have to learn a new language,
not out of want or desire,
but out of necessity.
I wish there was a book,
similar to my French grammar book lying in front of me.
A guide to take me through the steps.
Where do I start?
Basic vocab and present tense verbs is always the starting point it seems,
but what would the equivalent be when it is me I am re-learning?
I already have a language to think in,
I actually have five.
But none of them seem to work right now,
as I still end up thinking in the same manner as before.
Instead I find myself having endless discussions with myself,
and trust me, that's not very interesting or pleasent.
Usually it goes something along the lines of:
"God I'm stupid."
"No you're not. Stop saying stupid things like that."
"Fine, but I'm still stupid even if I don't say it."
"But you're not. So stop it. Stop being so stupid!"
"Ha! Told you! I AM stupid."
But on the rare occassion I manage to trick myself into believing the world isn't a dark, horrible place I actually do see the stars in the sky and the sunshine in the raindrops.
So maybe these tiring conversations is what I need,
maybe I have all the sufficient language for it.
I mean, it doesn't matter which language I say it in,
it's still the same thoughts.
Debate.
Discuss.
Speak your mind.
Let it out.
Listen to it.
Contemplate.
Take it in.
Take the other side.
Push yourself,
because no one ever said it was easy to be sane.
You're way of thinking is who you are,
for better or for worse.
To re-learn how to think is a tiresome adventure,
a path I'm not sure I'm ready to walk.
But I don't think I have any other options.
It's like learning a new language,
without a proper book to learn from.
And I hate learning new langauges,
I love knowing them
I hate learning them.
Always have.
And now I have to learn a new language,
not out of want or desire,
but out of necessity.
I wish there was a book,
similar to my French grammar book lying in front of me.
A guide to take me through the steps.
Where do I start?
Basic vocab and present tense verbs is always the starting point it seems,
but what would the equivalent be when it is me I am re-learning?
I already have a language to think in,
I actually have five.
But none of them seem to work right now,
as I still end up thinking in the same manner as before.
Instead I find myself having endless discussions with myself,
and trust me, that's not very interesting or pleasent.
Usually it goes something along the lines of:
"God I'm stupid."
"No you're not. Stop saying stupid things like that."
"Fine, but I'm still stupid even if I don't say it."
"But you're not. So stop it. Stop being so stupid!"
"Ha! Told you! I AM stupid."
But on the rare occassion I manage to trick myself into believing the world isn't a dark, horrible place I actually do see the stars in the sky and the sunshine in the raindrops.
So maybe these tiring conversations is what I need,
maybe I have all the sufficient language for it.
I mean, it doesn't matter which language I say it in,
it's still the same thoughts.
Debate.
Discuss.
Speak your mind.
Let it out.
Listen to it.
Contemplate.
Take it in.
Take the other side.
Push yourself,
because no one ever said it was easy to be sane.
2011-05-11
2011-05-10
Born this way
It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M
Just put your paws up
'cause you were Born This Way, Baby
My mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir
"There's nothing wrong with loving who you are"
She said, "'Cause he made you perfect, babe"
"So hold your head up girl and you'll go far,
Listen to me when I say"
I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born this way
Baby I was born this way
Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born-
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Give yourself prudence
And love your friends
Subway kid, rejoice your truth
In the religion of the insecure
I must be my self, respect my youth
A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital H-I-M (Hey hey hey)
I love my life I love this record and
Mi amore vole fe yah (Love needs faith)
Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're Lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied, or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'cause baby you were born this way
No matter gay, straight, or bi,
lesbian, transgendered life,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to survive.
No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to be brave.
I was born this way hey!
I was born this way hey!
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way hey!
Just put your paws up
'cause you were Born This Way, Baby
My mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir
"There's nothing wrong with loving who you are"
She said, "'Cause he made you perfect, babe"
"So hold your head up girl and you'll go far,
Listen to me when I say"
I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born this way
Baby I was born this way
Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born-
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Give yourself prudence
And love your friends
Subway kid, rejoice your truth
In the religion of the insecure
I must be my self, respect my youth
A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital H-I-M (Hey hey hey)
I love my life I love this record and
Mi amore vole fe yah (Love needs faith)
Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're Lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied, or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'cause baby you were born this way
No matter gay, straight, or bi,
lesbian, transgendered life,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to survive.
No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to be brave.
I was born this way hey!
I was born this way hey!
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way hey!
Lady Gaga does make perfect sense somedays :)
Grace
I'm on my knees
only memories
are left for me to hold
Dont know how
but Ill get by
Slowly pull myself together
Theres no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal
Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace
I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world
Come what may
I wont fade away
But I know I might change
Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace
Nothing comes easily
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
Ive lost everything
I just want to feel your embrace
only memories
are left for me to hold
Dont know how
but Ill get by
Slowly pull myself together
Theres no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal
Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace
I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world
Come what may
I wont fade away
But I know I might change
Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace
Nothing comes easily
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
Ive lost everything
I just want to feel your embrace
2011-05-09
On a personal note
It's been just over a year since I picked up the pen again. And I truly have tried to keep this my own private space. I am grateful to everyone who reads it, I don't care of it's one person, twenty or no one. I write for me. I'm trying to heal. Which is very, very, very difficult. It's a long process.
I am currently going through an internal change. Which is why I took the opportunity to also redo the blog a bit. Try to 'brighten' it up a bit. And yes, I do know it's not a colourful explosion. But to me it's serene and calm. Which is what I need right now. And while my melancholic state of nature probably never will change, I am trying to find the light. We'll see if it's still out there waiting for me or if it's moved on to better things.
Thank you for being part of the process. I know I'm annoying and whiney a lot of the time. But this is my space. This is where I don't have to put on that smile and pretend everything is okay, when it's not. And this is where I get to be like that in order to not have to be all depressed when I'm out in the real world.
And by the way, the soundtrack to Grey's Anatomy is amazing and I'm considering starting a series of posting all the lyrics to all the songs just because they all are perfection.
I am currently going through an internal change. Which is why I took the opportunity to also redo the blog a bit. Try to 'brighten' it up a bit. And yes, I do know it's not a colourful explosion. But to me it's serene and calm. Which is what I need right now. And while my melancholic state of nature probably never will change, I am trying to find the light. We'll see if it's still out there waiting for me or if it's moved on to better things.
Thank you for being part of the process. I know I'm annoying and whiney a lot of the time. But this is my space. This is where I don't have to put on that smile and pretend everything is okay, when it's not. And this is where I get to be like that in order to not have to be all depressed when I'm out in the real world.
And by the way, the soundtrack to Grey's Anatomy is amazing and I'm considering starting a series of posting all the lyrics to all the songs just because they all are perfection.
2011-05-08
When you think about it
I was sitting in my chair,
by my window.
There's this giant tree outside where the leaves now are so plenty it could be the rainforest.
Okay, maybe not the rainforest,
but you know what I mean.
It's plain beauty.
There is so much of it out there,
and I can't help but wonder why we don't see it more often.
Or maybe that's just me.
There's this filter covering my pupils,
only allowing me to see certain things.
And making things look in a special way.
Everyone has their own filter,
shaped by their past and looked through with their present.
Isn't it strange,
we all start off at the same position.
Neutral, empty.
And as the years go by we are filled with love, lies, laughters, lives.
And by some miracle of events we turn into the people we are here and now.
Change one second of your past,
and nothing would be the same.
Some turn out to change the world,
some turn out to save lives,
some live their lives happily on the sidelines,
some end up doing something they never thought was possible.
But we all started off at the same place,
and yet we all turn out so differently.
It's quite a miracle,
when you think about it.
There are so many people walking this earth,
and still not two are identical.
Not even identical twins are identical.
Everyone is unique.
It's quite extraordinary when you think about it.
by my window.
There's this giant tree outside where the leaves now are so plenty it could be the rainforest.
Okay, maybe not the rainforest,
but you know what I mean.
It's plain beauty.
There is so much of it out there,
and I can't help but wonder why we don't see it more often.
Or maybe that's just me.
There's this filter covering my pupils,
only allowing me to see certain things.
And making things look in a special way.
Everyone has their own filter,
shaped by their past and looked through with their present.
Isn't it strange,
we all start off at the same position.
Neutral, empty.
And as the years go by we are filled with love, lies, laughters, lives.
And by some miracle of events we turn into the people we are here and now.
Change one second of your past,
and nothing would be the same.
Some turn out to change the world,
some turn out to save lives,
some live their lives happily on the sidelines,
some end up doing something they never thought was possible.
But we all started off at the same place,
and yet we all turn out so differently.
It's quite a miracle,
when you think about it.
There are so many people walking this earth,
and still not two are identical.
Not even identical twins are identical.
Everyone is unique.
It's quite extraordinary when you think about it.
2011-05-07
It's raining
Trying hard to not go there,
but words form sayings for a reason.
It's easier said than done.
but words form sayings for a reason.
It's easier said than done.
2011-05-06
Routine
It's a strange feeling,
looking at photos knowing things will never be the same again.
It's a strange feeling,
losing someone without really knowing why.
It's a strange feeling,
to sit here and wonder where it all went wrong.
I wake up in the morning,
I get dressed,
I go to school,
I talk, I read, I laugh.
I go home in the evening.
I go to bed.
Everything looks the same.
But every morning I fight that voice.
Every day I pretend everything is okay.
Every evening I fall apart.
looking at photos knowing things will never be the same again.
It's a strange feeling,
losing someone without really knowing why.
It's a strange feeling,
to sit here and wonder where it all went wrong.
I wake up in the morning,
I get dressed,
I go to school,
I talk, I read, I laugh.
I go home in the evening.
I go to bed.
Everything looks the same.
But every morning I fight that voice.
Every day I pretend everything is okay.
Every evening I fall apart.
2011-05-04
Life lesson
How to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment
How to defer to men in solveable predicaments
How to control someone to be a carbon copy of you
How to have that not work and have them run away from you
How to keep people at arms length and never get too close
How to mistrust the ones who supposedly love the most
How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone
How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone
I'll teach you all this in 8 easy steps
A course of a lifetime you'll never forget
I'll show you how to in 8 easy steps
I'll show you how leaderships looks when tought by the best
How to hate women when you're supposed to be a feminist
How to play all pious when you're really a hypocrite
How to hate god when you're a player and a spiritualist
How to sabotage your fantasies by fears of success
I've been doing research for years
I've been practicing my ass off
I've been training my whole life for this moment I swear to you
Culminating just to be this well-versed leader before you
I'll teach you all this in 8 easy steps
A course of a lifetime you'll never forget
I'll show you how to in 8 easy steps
I'll show you how leaderships looks when tought by the best
How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else
How to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself
How to numb a la holic to avoid going within
How to stay stuck in blue by blaming them for everything
Alanis Morissette, you help me make sense of it all.
How to defer to men in solveable predicaments
How to control someone to be a carbon copy of you
How to have that not work and have them run away from you
How to keep people at arms length and never get too close
How to mistrust the ones who supposedly love the most
How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone
How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone
I'll teach you all this in 8 easy steps
A course of a lifetime you'll never forget
I'll show you how to in 8 easy steps
I'll show you how leaderships looks when tought by the best
How to hate women when you're supposed to be a feminist
How to play all pious when you're really a hypocrite
How to hate god when you're a player and a spiritualist
How to sabotage your fantasies by fears of success
I've been doing research for years
I've been practicing my ass off
I've been training my whole life for this moment I swear to you
Culminating just to be this well-versed leader before you
I'll teach you all this in 8 easy steps
A course of a lifetime you'll never forget
I'll show you how to in 8 easy steps
I'll show you how leaderships looks when tought by the best
How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else
How to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself
How to numb a la holic to avoid going within
How to stay stuck in blue by blaming them for everything
Alanis Morissette, you help me make sense of it all.
Running out of words
Pushing everything down to hide the truth,
while screaming for someone to understand.
while screaming for someone to understand.
2011-05-03
Let me go
There's a silence in my head I am trying to drench.
But it's not silent in the sense that it's quiet.
Quietness would be welcomed, it would be a relief.
Do you see the spot in my eyes?
There's this point I can't see past.
It blocks my sight,
and I am trapped.
The silence is loud, and it hurts.
I turn up the music, to hear something else for a while.
I keep telling myself it's all in my head.
And it probably is,
but that does not make it not real.
And that spot blocking my sight,
I have a feeling it's never going away.
In my head there's this voice telling me to learn how to live with it.
And I thought I had.
But who can learn to live with darkness?
Who wants to learn how to live with the horrors of night?
The silence drains me.
I don't know what to do anymore.
But it's not silent in the sense that it's quiet.
Quietness would be welcomed, it would be a relief.
Do you see the spot in my eyes?
There's this point I can't see past.
It blocks my sight,
and I am trapped.
The silence is loud, and it hurts.
I turn up the music, to hear something else for a while.
I keep telling myself it's all in my head.
And it probably is,
but that does not make it not real.
And that spot blocking my sight,
I have a feeling it's never going away.
In my head there's this voice telling me to learn how to live with it.
And I thought I had.
But who can learn to live with darkness?
Who wants to learn how to live with the horrors of night?
The silence drains me.
I don't know what to do anymore.
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