Mamma

It's strange. When something unthinkable and horrible happens to people. Something that has a huge impact on their lives they often say that they don't understand how life seems to go on as if nothing has happened. They sometimes say it's as if they are playing pretend in the real world that everything is fine. While at the same time their world is falling into little pieces.
I think it's the other way around. When I talk about my mums cancer (there you go. First time I've written those words on here), I feel as if I am playing pretend. When we discuss treatments, tumors sizes and side effects of chemotherapy, it's as if we are all playing a really horrible version of pretend. Because surely this can't be happening to us? Then when we stop talking about it and instead discuss yesterday's round of golf we are back to normal life. Stopped pretending everything is horrible, and sad, and painful.
We go back to being the loving, quirky, wonderful, healthy family that we have always been. Because surely, when we talk about which organs that have been affected. Or when we discuss how to fit as much normal life as possible in around her treatments. Surely that's not my mum we're talking about? It can't be. She's going to live to be a hundred. And love and spoil and play with her grandchildren. And retire and move to that beautiful Italian house they bought last summer.
My mum can't be sick. Surely that's all just one evil game of pretend? A really cruel prank someone is playing on us?

War

There's a new darkness in the world.
It rolled in over the hills out of nowhere.
And now it's pressing down on us.
Suffocating.
Choking.
Deafening.
It's a different kind of darkness.
It's malicious.
Unpredictable.
Completely out of our control.
And it's terrifying.
We will stand united.
And face it head on.
Together.
This evil that has entered our world.
We will fight it.
It is us against it.
And we have everyone on our side.

I really hope that is enough.
It has to be enough.
Because the alternative is too scary, too horrible, and too unthinkable.
It's not an option.
Because then the world would end.

Thoughts from a hammock

I'm lying in my parents hammock on their verandah. They bought it when they visited me in Mexico. This verandah is my sanctuary. This.whole house is my sanctuary. I'm lying looking out.over the garden. My 'playhouse' (a tiny cabin which i got for my 6th birthday or something like that). The berry bushes. The ruhbarb shrubs. The trees. It's raining so there's a comforting sound coming from the.roof of the verandah. This house is so familiar to me. I know every inch of the garden. It's my childhood home. And to a certain extent my adult home as well.

I love being here. Nothing feels more like home than the familiar views, sounds, and smells of this house and our street.

Worst case scenario

I can't picture a world without you. It's impossible. You have always been there. No matter what. And most likely you will continue to be. But my brain is very good at jumping to the wrong conclusions. I always go straight to the worst case scenario.

I think it might have something to do with the fact that I once was told that everything was okay. Followed by ten minutes later being told that my dear friend who was 'okay' was in fact gone for forever.

So yes. I always assume the worst.

That familiar feeling

H&M
Scandikitchen
Scan meatballs
Marabou daim chocolate

Today has been a very Swedish day. You'd think it would quench my longing for Sweden. But no. It only increased it. Four more days. Then it's only two weeks. Two weeks is nothing. Time goes by so quickly. Before I know it I will be sitting on the gorgeous verandah talking to my amazing parents about everything and anything.


If May flew by in the blink of an eye. Surely four days and two weeks will?

Enough

I need to get some of my frustration and anger out. Because I am sitting in bed, fuming. I am so so so pissed off. And I can't be pissed off. Because I need to sleep. I am getting up stupidly early tomorrow because of my stupid job starting so bloody early. And I just had an e-mail from this very stupid job, not asking, but informing me in passing, that my shift on Saturday has been moved. I have plans on Saturday evening. But do they care? No. Of course they don't. They don't even bother telling me when the change happens! And they say that they are happy for me to swap with others. But problem is that means one person. Because it's only two of us in on Saturday. And if I swap with someone who isn't working I'd have three days off this week. And that'd mess up my salary. But are they willing to try and help me? No. They say thank you for helping them out. As if I have a choice. But I don't.

It pisses me off. It makes me so so so angry when people think they can control people's free time. When they assume we have nothing better to do than be ready to jump in and work whenever. It is disrespectful. It is condescending. It is power play. All things which I hate.

And I honsetly think that this might have been what just made it for me.
Yes. My eyes just shifted even more in the direction of the country that I call home.

It's raining, and I'm listening to Jet

Well I 
Been thinkin' 'bout the future
Too young to pretend
It's such a waste
To always look behind you
You should be looking straight ahead

Yeah
I'm gonna have to move on
Before we meet again
Yeah
It's hard
If you had of only seen

At ten thirty-four
Flinders street station
I'm looking down the tracks
A uniform man
Asking am I pee'd off
Why would I want to be that?

Take control
And don't be afraid of me
'Cause every once in a while
I think about if ya gonna
Get yourself together
You should be happy just to be alive
And just because
You just don't feel like comin' home
Don't mean that you'll never arrive

Yeah
I'm gonna have to move on
Before we meet again
Yeah
It's hard
If you had of only seen

Take control
And don't be afraid of me.

On my mind

Came across this on the internet. It didn't have an author written on it. But as the one thing currently taking up most space in my mind is the future, and what to do with it, this really spoke to me.

Future? 
Such an interesting concept
Ideas and plans
Already laid out in front of you
But a future…
It's more than just an idea
It's every possibility
Every chance
For something altering to occur
A future is neither bad
Nor good
A future is neutral
Caring not of its effects
Such a future comes
From a biased past
One filled with truth
With lies, with alibis
Crossed with emotions
And actions
This past turns into now
A now riddled with uncertainty
And decisions
Full of memories
And hopes, dreams
Once now turns into then
That's when things turn grey
Who knows
Which path you will choose? 
Which wine you will taste? 
Whose heart will break? 
The one thing about futures
Is that you have to live now
To ever reach them
In an instant, your future
Can disappear
Your now becomes past
And nothing follows
This future
Is only reached
By living through today
Through the memories
Of futures passed
And the choices made tomorrow
The future is far away
A concept hard to grasp
But we'll grasp the future yet
And live it to the last 

It's taken from here.