Just scratch the surface

I had a lovely weekend with a friend visiting from the UK. We spent two days wandering around Stockholm catching up. I escaped for a weekend. And today it's been back to reality. Whenever I've had a few days of almost forgetting it hurts coming back to reality. Everything is good for a few hours, or sometimes even for whole days. And then it hits you. That everything is not good. That everything is pretty much as far from good as is possible.

I used to be quite thick skinned. I used to be able to bury my feelings deep down and get on with my days. And if people asked me how I was doing it wouldn't feel like I lie. Because even if at that time I wasn't feeling very good, I tricked even myself. Everyone puts up some kinds of protective walls around themselves. That's how we cope with every day life. My walls are very thin right now. They're there. Because without them I wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning. But it only takes one question. Or one small comment. Or a news article. Or a song. Or a feeling. And the wall crumbles and all my emotions come splashing out. I am not very thick skinned at the moment. It's as if all you have to do is scratch the surface. And it's tiring. Extremely tiring, to always be so close to your emotions. And it's not like it's small emotions. It's giant, terrifying feelings of the unknown. Of pain. And loss. And fear. And loneliness. And confusion. And unreality.

I look at photos of my mum from a few years ago. And I think that that's the mum I want to remember. And just the fact that that's how I think now scares me. Because the idea of losing her. The idea of having to live in this world without my role model and hero makes my throat close up and I can't breathe. I can't comprehend how that world would look. And it terrifies that I will have to find out.