Last week I went for counselling with a counsellor in the palliative team where my mum has her "home". It was good. Difficult. We've set up an appointment every two weeks. Which I think is necessary and needed.
She asked me what the most difficult thing is: thinking about what will happen in the coming stages and last stages of my mum's disease. Or thinking about having a life where she no longer exists.
I answered the second one. After a lot of thinking. Because I still can't get it through my head that these aren't hypothetical questions we're talking about. They're real. And happening right now.
But while I'm so scared about seeing my mum getting more and more ill and weaker and weaker. It is absolutely terrifying thinking about a world where she isn't just a text message or call away. How can that be? How can that world exist? And how can I exist in it? I don't know. But unfortunately, and this breaks my heart several times each day. Unfortunately I will find out.
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