Ten years

Today, ten years ago, a close friend of mine passed away from a benign brain tumor. That was when I learned that 'benign' did not mean 'nothing to worry about'. It's also the first time I understood what tumors entailed. And it was when a darkness I had never known before entered my life. I still carry so many scars from that day, and the months that followed. But I've fought hard to stop them from being open wounds. The 15th of every month used to be a struggle. Today I feel more sad than dark. I wonder what kind of an amazing woman she would have been. I miss you Effie. I carry you with me everywhere. And don't think for a minute that I've forgotten about you.

Tomorrow we're going to the hospital for my mum's regular three month check up. We see the oncologist and he gives us a status report. I don't think any of us are expecting to hear anything but bad news. Life is a struggle. And it doesn't get easier. It's always terrifying going for these checks. After, no matter what the news, we can relax and push on for another three months. It means we've survived another three months and are ready for the next ones.

I'm sleeping in my room at my parents house. I need the comfort of being close. Being home. I love my flat. But on nights like these there's no other place I can be.

Ten years. And I'm back in the hell I was in then. It's strange though. This time it's so much closer. But I'm not as dark. But trust me. It's a constant battle to not go down that road and embrace the dark that was my best friend for so long.