Don't

You don't like it in the shadows
but you won't let me shine a light
I would wash away your troubles
But it seems
The more that I hold on
The more that you let go
And I know, you better let somebody love you
or find yourself, on your own

Tell me why all the best laid plans
fall apart in your hands
And my good intentions never end,
the way I meant

If we don't talk about the future
Then should I just, follow you into the dark
Yeah, and does your silence keep you cold
While the cracks form on my heart

Tell me why all the best laid plans
fall apart in your hands
And my good intentions never end,
the way I meant

It seems to me some fine friends have watched you turn your back
It seems you only want the things that you can't have.

Tell me why all the best laid plans
fall apart in your hands
And my good intentions never end,
the way I meant


I know unexpected things happen. I also know I am a plan freak. I like to plan things. I like to know what's going on and when things are happening. But I know things don't always go the way you plan. But usually that means you can't go on the trip you had hoped because you can't take time off work. Or it means you didn't get that job you applied for so you have to stay where you are. Or it means that you need to re-take a class because you failed.

I didn't know it included your mum getting terminal cancer at the age of 54. I hate not being in control. I'm not very good at it.



(The text is from a James Blunt song)

She's not the same

I miss my mum. I miss the person she was before she got ill. I miss going on speed walks in the forest with her. I miss going shopping for hours and hours with her. I miss playing golf with her. She was such an active person before this evil happened to her. Before her body got invaded by something hostile. She is the kind of person who loves going on long walks. She wants to hike up mountains. Instead she is being attacked by her own body. And it hurts so much to watch. Because while she in so many ways still is the same amazing, wonderful, strong mum that she's always been. She is also disappearing. The spark in her eyes are gone. The strength in her steps. My brother used to complain that my mum and I were walking too fast. Always long steps at a high pace, wherever we were going. Now we have all slowed down. And I miss her taking initiative. And doing things. I miss hearing her excited about something. I miss hearing her plan their dream trip to Nepal.



Why the hell is this happening to us????? I want to throw something. I want to scream. I want to yell at someone to stop doing this to us. I wish there was someone to blame. Someone I could beat the living crap out of for doing this to us. But there isn't. It's just this stupid fucked up world.

Out of loneliness

What would you say if I asked of you
- out of loneliness, out of loneliness
What would you say if I asked of you
- out of loneliness, out of loneliness
Could I be with you
Can I be with you

It's warm inside the night club
Your face is lit up by a disco light
I don't want to go home alone, not tonight
I have a picture of a man who used to sit in that chair
I will go anywhere
Just as long as I'm with someone
You will do, just take me home for tea

If I told you my stories and sang you my songs
Would you laugh at me
Would you pity me
What would you say if I asked of you
Not out of accident, out of loneliness
Would you shelter me
Will you shelter me

I will be gone when you wake up
No awkward breakfasts, I swear
And don't you look for me, because I could be anywhere
In someone else's house
In someone else's arms
With someone else to warm the pain away

What can I ask of you
What would you want from me
What would you say if I just fell asleep






Hello Saferide always calms the soul.

-

I'm scared.
And angry.

But mostly scared.

Quietness

Once in a while it comes. The noise dies down. Your heart rate slows. And all around you is quiet, and calm, and serene. It's like you enter a bubble where nothing can get to you.

I've created that.bubble. A bubble that exists of me, my flat, and boxes. That's my world right now. And as long as I pretend that's all there is everything is okay.

We're not okay

I hope my smile can distract you
I hope my fists can fight for two
So it never has to show
And you’ll never know

I hope my love can blind you
I hope my arms can bind you
So you’ll never have to see
What we’ve grown to be

One may think we’re alright
But we need pills to sleep at night
We need lies to make it through the day
We’re not okay

One may think we're alright
But we need pills to sleep at night
We need lies to make it through the day
We're not okay

One may think we’re doing fine
But if I had to lay it on the line
We’re losing ground with every passing day
We’re not okay

But that’s one thing I would never
One thing I would never
One thing I would never say to you
That’s one thing I would never
One thing I would never
That's one thing I would never say to you


The Perishers

I don't know how to be

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anyone
Or anything

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes

They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

At work

I'm trying to work. Doing my best to disappear into one task after Another. But three words keep echoing in my mind.




Ending all treatments.






How the hell am I meant to handle this?

-

Doing everything to keep my mind occupied. I do not want to fall apart. I don't have the strength to. I'm so tired. But the thought of sleeping terrifies me because of the nightmares I am likely to have.

How do you function when you've been told that there is no hope for your mother? When you know that from now on the cancer will only grow, and spread?

I keep telling myself this is happening. I keep trying to understand. But I don't. It's been one year and three months. And I still don't understand it. I don't believe this is happening to us. Because it can't be. It just can't be.

We're at that point

They are stopping all treatments. They are just making her feel bad without actually doing anything. I didn't think we'd get to this point today. I don't think anyone of us did. She's been having good weeks lately. So while I think we weren't expecting good news. We weren't expecting this.

My mum said: "So now we just have to wait."
My response was: "No mum. Now we have to live."

They kept telling us that one day we would get to this point. I just couldn't quite believe that we would.

Ten years

Today, ten years ago, a close friend of mine passed away from a benign brain tumor. That was when I learned that 'benign' did not mean 'nothing to worry about'. It's also the first time I understood what tumors entailed. And it was when a darkness I had never known before entered my life. I still carry so many scars from that day, and the months that followed. But I've fought hard to stop them from being open wounds. The 15th of every month used to be a struggle. Today I feel more sad than dark. I wonder what kind of an amazing woman she would have been. I miss you Effie. I carry you with me everywhere. And don't think for a minute that I've forgotten about you.

Tomorrow we're going to the hospital for my mum's regular three month check up. We see the oncologist and he gives us a status report. I don't think any of us are expecting to hear anything but bad news. Life is a struggle. And it doesn't get easier. It's always terrifying going for these checks. After, no matter what the news, we can relax and push on for another three months. It means we've survived another three months and are ready for the next ones.

I'm sleeping in my room at my parents house. I need the comfort of being close. Being home. I love my flat. But on nights like these there's no other place I can be.

Ten years. And I'm back in the hell I was in then. It's strange though. This time it's so much closer. But I'm not as dark. But trust me. It's a constant battle to not go down that road and embrace the dark that was my best friend for so long.

Remember to breathe

I've been so busy lately with getting my apartment sorted that I haven't had much time to think. Which in a way is very good. And has been quite nice. But it's still around me. And I don't really know how to feel. Lately I've been feeling guilty because I've been almost happy over the last weeks. Saw my English friends for a week in Italy. Followed by moving. So much happiness and joy. I've barely thought about cancer. And death. And darkness. So instead I've been feeling guilty. Which I know is crazy. Because of course I'm allowed some happiness. So whenever I've been feeling guilty I've pushed it away. Tried to shake it off. It generally works. But I also have to remember to let myself feel. To remember to breathe. It's okay to feel. It's okay to fall apart. And it's okay to have moments of joy.

My own refuge

Yesterday I oficially moved into my own flat. My little piece of heaven. Which so far is pretty empty. But it has the essentials. A bed. A sofa. Working wifi. Small dining table. Couple of chairs. Close to work. And best of all? It's all mine, and only mine. And my landlords. But that's not important. Currently, it's mine. And I love it. I feel like I can breathe again.

I lived at my parents house for just over a year. I can't belive it's been that much time. Most of my stuff is still there. Moving a little bit each day now. And it will be home for a long time still. But now this is home too. Which is great. And lovely. And amazing. And so so needed. I need a place where I can fall apart. Where I can be happy. Where I can feel all my emotions out in the open. A place that isn't tainted by disease. I make my parents house seem horrible. It isn't. It's my favourite place in the whole world. But so is this. And it will just get better and better as I keep putting my mark on it.