Proud

I've read my blog. Started from the very beginning, which was spring 2010. And I've just read through the academic year of 2010/11. That was a difficult year for me. So much happened that year that I still struggle to understand. There's still so much pain and confusion lingering from that year. And reading those old blog entries I am reminded of how far I've come. I'm reminded of how dark I used to be. How dark the world seemed. And how lonely I was. One of the best things I've done in my life, and one of my proudest moments, was when I realised that it wasn't normal to feel like that and I went to get help. I started seeing Pat. And we talked. Mostly I talked. And I learned so much about myself. How I function. Some of those realisations have been with me this year. And I still ask myself sometimes "what would Pat say?" Because I have been terrified of falling back down. I have fought so hard to get this far. To not see the world in shades of black. I used to balance on the edge every minute of every day. And in the evenings I would curl up on the floor in my room and fall head first into a bottomless pit. I had to fight to get up. And after I did life became, not a dance on rainbows, but it became good. Summer of 2011 changed me. And returning to Nottingham in September 2011 I wasn't the same person. And that year. September 2011 to September 2012. There are no words for it. Best year ever. And I still had dark moments. But they were few. And when they came there were people there. People I could message. People I could see. People to hang out with and do random stuff with. Today those are my closest friends. I hope you know how special you are.

It is also because of you I have managed to stay afloat this year. I thought I would fall back into that darkness. But I am proud of myself. Because while life is difficult. More difficult now than ever before. It's not like that. It's not darkness and cold and loneliness.

I've come a long way. And it's good to be reminded of that. I am proud of myself. And I think Pat would be too.