1 year

It was midsummer last week. A big holiday in Sweden. People celebrate the longest day of the year. It's one of the happiest celebrations in Sweden. It's like a reward for having survived another dark and long winter. I know a lot of people can't understand, and probably couldn't stand, the winters here. The sun barely rising. Darkness everywhere. But then we have summer. And trust me, it's worth it. Evening when the sun barely sets at all and you can sit outside until early morning. I remember when I worked at McDonalds. I was working the closing shift and we had a really busy night so we ended up not getting out of there until around 3 am. I remember cycling home. The sun having just risen and the birds singing in the trees. It was such a surreal feeling. It was amazing. I love midsummers.

Or at least I used to. This year midsummers eve (last Friday) marked 1 year since our lives took an evil twist. I tried not to think about it but was reminded by kind people who only meant well. But the last thing I wanted to hear was "so, it's been a year now..." A year ago we didn't think we'd be here. Everything was so dark and we had no hope what so ever. I wouldn't say that we have hope now. But we've had a year. Which means that we could have another year. And another one after that. And many more after that. But hope? I don't dare to hope. One day at a time. I know I've said those words before. But I don't think I've truly understood their meaning until now. One day at a time. Currently they're bad days. For her. Which means they're bad for all of us.

1st of September I move to my own place. I will have a sanctuary to escape to. Where I can close the door on cancer. Leave it outside. Even though I know it will follow me around forever.

It's been the worst year in my life. But in a way it's been a good year. It's been a great year. Because she's still here.