Face on

On days like today it is difficult to pretend everything is fine. When you see your mum struggling with every movement she has to make When she's cuddled up in blankets and still shivering because she's so cold. When she can barely keep her eyes open because the medication and the disease are making her so tired.

On days like these it hurts to watch her. It's hard to be around her. But that's when you know that you have to be. Because no way is she going through this alone. No matter how painful it is to watch. And no matter how much you want to just run away and hide somewhere far far away.

We're in this nightmare together. And I am so so scared. But I will not turn away.

Light

It's been a long time since I was in Sweden for an entire summer. So far I'm really loving it. It's so easy to think that it gets so light in the evenings in England. And think that the sun sets so late. But then you're in Sweden. And when you go to bed at 11pm it's bright outside. And when you wake up at 6am for work the sun has already been up two hours.

Growing up I didn't think this was anything special. Now, after so many years away, I am amazed every morning and every evening. I'd forgotten how beautiful and mesmerising this country can be.

Proud

I've read my blog. Started from the very beginning, which was spring 2010. And I've just read through the academic year of 2010/11. That was a difficult year for me. So much happened that year that I still struggle to understand. There's still so much pain and confusion lingering from that year. And reading those old blog entries I am reminded of how far I've come. I'm reminded of how dark I used to be. How dark the world seemed. And how lonely I was. One of the best things I've done in my life, and one of my proudest moments, was when I realised that it wasn't normal to feel like that and I went to get help. I started seeing Pat. And we talked. Mostly I talked. And I learned so much about myself. How I function. Some of those realisations have been with me this year. And I still ask myself sometimes "what would Pat say?" Because I have been terrified of falling back down. I have fought so hard to get this far. To not see the world in shades of black. I used to balance on the edge every minute of every day. And in the evenings I would curl up on the floor in my room and fall head first into a bottomless pit. I had to fight to get up. And after I did life became, not a dance on rainbows, but it became good. Summer of 2011 changed me. And returning to Nottingham in September 2011 I wasn't the same person. And that year. September 2011 to September 2012. There are no words for it. Best year ever. And I still had dark moments. But they were few. And when they came there were people there. People I could message. People I could see. People to hang out with and do random stuff with. Today those are my closest friends. I hope you know how special you are.

It is also because of you I have managed to stay afloat this year. I thought I would fall back into that darkness. But I am proud of myself. Because while life is difficult. More difficult now than ever before. It's not like that. It's not darkness and cold and loneliness.

I've come a long way. And it's good to be reminded of that. I am proud of myself. And I think Pat would be too.

1 year

It was midsummer last week. A big holiday in Sweden. People celebrate the longest day of the year. It's one of the happiest celebrations in Sweden. It's like a reward for having survived another dark and long winter. I know a lot of people can't understand, and probably couldn't stand, the winters here. The sun barely rising. Darkness everywhere. But then we have summer. And trust me, it's worth it. Evening when the sun barely sets at all and you can sit outside until early morning. I remember when I worked at McDonalds. I was working the closing shift and we had a really busy night so we ended up not getting out of there until around 3 am. I remember cycling home. The sun having just risen and the birds singing in the trees. It was such a surreal feeling. It was amazing. I love midsummers.

Or at least I used to. This year midsummers eve (last Friday) marked 1 year since our lives took an evil twist. I tried not to think about it but was reminded by kind people who only meant well. But the last thing I wanted to hear was "so, it's been a year now..." A year ago we didn't think we'd be here. Everything was so dark and we had no hope what so ever. I wouldn't say that we have hope now. But we've had a year. Which means that we could have another year. And another one after that. And many more after that. But hope? I don't dare to hope. One day at a time. I know I've said those words before. But I don't think I've truly understood their meaning until now. One day at a time. Currently they're bad days. For her. Which means they're bad for all of us.

1st of September I move to my own place. I will have a sanctuary to escape to. Where I can close the door on cancer. Leave it outside. Even though I know it will follow me around forever.

It's been the worst year in my life. But in a way it's been a good year. It's been a great year. Because she's still here.