Closing down

I can feel myself doing it. I know the patterns so well. Been through it so many times before. The saying goodbye. The leaving. The packing. The ending. In my head I am mentally closing down my English life. And I am pulling away. Being distant. More so with some than with others. It terrifies me that my closest friends here will go on with their lives like normal. Their lives won't end just because I am leaving. That'd be stupid. But that doesn't make it easier. So instead, I am shutting down. Pulling away. Because that's easier. So much easier. Because I will miss them terribly. And I am not quite sure how I will do all of this without them. I can't get it into my head that I won't be sitting here on the sofa with D next week and do nothing together. We have seen each other almost every day for over a year. Almost. And now I won't. Can't imagine it.

So if I seem cold. Or quiet. Or distant.

This is why. I am saying goodbye.