Burning the past

It's a strange feeling, packing up your life in one country. It's not like you're just moving houses. You're moving country. Which means so much more. It means you need to cancel your phone (which I haven't done yet). It means you have to decide what is worth shipping over and what you can throw out (which I have partially done). It means saying goodbye to people you love (which I haven't done yet, and which terrifies me). It means quitting your job (which I have done). There's so much stuff you need to do!

Tonight, I burned my bank statements. And other pieces of paper which I don't want to take with me but don't want to throw out because they have sensitive information on them. So me and the housemate that is still my housemate had a fire and burned some of his crap, and at the same time we burned my English identity. That's what it felt like. Like my English life just went up into flames. Very weird. And very strange. But it is a new chapter. As a (former) colleague told me on Friday, it is a new beginning. That'w hos I need to look at it.

I also have (had) the most amazing job with the most amazing people. They threw me one hell of a leaving party. With lots of laughs. Lots of hugs. Lots of drinks. Lots of love. I will never forget it. They are a good bunch. Some of the best. In case you were wondering.

4 days, 5 nights, left of my life in England. It's still incredibly surreal. I don't know if I'll get it even when I am on that plane. Life will never be the same again. That's for sure.

Random thoughts I can't control

It's a strange feeling. In one week and three days I am leaving London, and England. I've been here for the last five years. But now it's time to fit all my possessions into suitcases and boxes and send them across the sea to Sweden. I have two days left at work. A job I have loved, and hated, and enjoyed, and found very educational. And I've met some incredible people there. If I had stayed longer I'm positive some of them would have become life long friends. Now I'm leaving a bit too soon for that to happen. But you never know.

There are some other people though, people who have become more family than friends. I'm not really sure how I will manage life without you. How I will go through life without you at my side.

But then again, I don't know how to go through life without my actual family right now either. So while the choice has been incredibly difficult and painful to make. It wasn't ever really a choice. From the moment I heard the words that changed my life I knew that this is what had to happen. I knew it deep down that there was no other option.

And yes, there's many things that I'm leaving behind. But then, there's also things I am coming back to. Not just my amazing parents and my wonderful brother. There's also two best friends. One of whom is about to become a mother and make me an honorary aunt. The other one is at the same stage of life as I am. Unsure about what the future holds. And there's food. And tv. And my native language. And snowy winters. And triple-glazed windows and proper heating.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm confused. And I'm torn. But no matter how unsure I become. It is time. It is time to move home. It is time to face it all. And for me to do that I need to be closer to them all. It has been one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.

One week. Three days.

It's absolutely insane when I think about it. It is absolutely mental that my family and I are going through this right now. And will continue to go through for the rest of my life. It's been six weeks since we found out. And it's as unreal as it ever was.