What if?

People say that your choices shape your life.
Everything you've gone through, the good's and the bad's,
have taken you to this very moment.
If you say you wish you could change one thing of your past,
it would mean changing everything you are today.
Because without that one event, you might not have ended up here.

If I could, I'd change it all.
If I could have you alive,
it wouldn't matter anymore.
I'd give it all up, who I am.
Just to have you in this world.

You shaped me, through your disease.
I am who I am because of it,
and most days I agree with it.
Most days I'm grateful for all the choices I've made,
that they've taken me to where I am.
But never, never will I be grateful for what you have taught me.
I would be willing to forget it all,
forget what it's like to live with a never-ending ache.
Forget what it's like to be surrounded by darkness.
Forget what it's like to survive the unthinkable.

They say life makes you strong,
that going through unbearable things you learn you will survive anything.
And yes, I know that I will survive the most horrible things,
because I already have gone through it all.

But trust me when I say,
I would change it all in an instant if I could have you back here.
If I could hear you laugh,
see you grow old,
plan your future,
live your life.
I'd go back, and change who I am.

But I can't.
So instead I get to live with "what if's?"
But atleast I got to live,
while you didn't.
I get to live,
you don't.