Things I love

I love how I can just randomly switch on the tv and whatever time it is there is always a random program on, which unlike in the UK, here I know what it is. And if I don't know what it is, I recognise the people in the program. Or if I don't do that, I realise what old school show it is based on. And I understand the jokes. And I recognise the songs. And I get the puns.

Cultural references, oh how I have missed you.

My hero

It's working quite well so far. Me, the unemployed. My mum, on sick leave. I know it's only been a week. But still.

I am loving getting to spend some serious time with my mum. And I am so glad that I can be at home. Because the option would have been to come home more frequently as she gets more sick. Because that's generally how people work. When things get really bad you rush home. But now, my mum isn't really sick. Chemotherapy isn't causing too many problems. It's still my mum that I find myself looking at. Taking in. And that I can be here at this stage makes me happy. The bad will come eventually, but that means I've still been here for the not as bad. For that, I am grateful.

She just completed her fourth round of chemotherapy today. And this afternoon her and I are going on an excursion since we have the car. Her idea, not mine. She is absolutely incredible. My hero.

Re-integration

It's weird. I sometimes forget that I am back in Sweden. Like last night. I was watching tv and 'football evening' was on, a program that analyses the games from the day. I commented to my dad "wow, there's so many Swedes that play now!" His reply was "it's the Swedish league, what did you expect?" A very true statement! But I thought (assumed) they were talking about the Premier League, and not Allsvenskan.

It's a strange thing. Being re-integrated into the country where you are born. It's assumed that you know everything and understand what everyone is talking about. But I don't. I've been gone for five years. FIVE YEARS. It's insane when I think about it. It's a long time. And now I'm back. With no intention of leaving.

I have a job interview tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Access denied

And just like that I can no longer log into my work e-mail. I realise it was just a matter of time. But still. Now it's real.

Food

If you ever find yourself wandering around London and fancy a greek meal I can highly recommend The Real Greek. There's quite a few of them around. A chain, but a London chain which makes it authentic in my opinion. Last night I went out for a 'last meal' with my lovely, amazing friends (more family than friends at this stage!) and we went to the one on South Bank. By Southwark Bridge (very close to the Tate and Globe Theatre). It was tasty. Very tasty indeed.

Can defnitely recommend it!

Faithful servants

I thought my white converse were in fact white. After a year and a half however it seems like they are not very white at all! They've served me well. But now it's time to say goodbye. Hopefully I won't miss them too much. Considering I today went into a shoe store and said "white size six converse please" and refused to try them on. If it's one thing I know, it's the size converse I wear.

Closing down

I can feel myself doing it. I know the patterns so well. Been through it so many times before. The saying goodbye. The leaving. The packing. The ending. In my head I am mentally closing down my English life. And I am pulling away. Being distant. More so with some than with others. It terrifies me that my closest friends here will go on with their lives like normal. Their lives won't end just because I am leaving. That'd be stupid. But that doesn't make it easier. So instead, I am shutting down. Pulling away. Because that's easier. So much easier. Because I will miss them terribly. And I am not quite sure how I will do all of this without them. I can't get it into my head that I won't be sitting here on the sofa with D next week and do nothing together. We have seen each other almost every day for over a year. Almost. And now I won't. Can't imagine it.

So if I seem cold. Or quiet. Or distant.

This is why. I am saying goodbye.

Burning the past

It's a strange feeling, packing up your life in one country. It's not like you're just moving houses. You're moving country. Which means so much more. It means you need to cancel your phone (which I haven't done yet). It means you have to decide what is worth shipping over and what you can throw out (which I have partially done). It means saying goodbye to people you love (which I haven't done yet, and which terrifies me). It means quitting your job (which I have done). There's so much stuff you need to do!

Tonight, I burned my bank statements. And other pieces of paper which I don't want to take with me but don't want to throw out because they have sensitive information on them. So me and the housemate that is still my housemate had a fire and burned some of his crap, and at the same time we burned my English identity. That's what it felt like. Like my English life just went up into flames. Very weird. And very strange. But it is a new chapter. As a (former) colleague told me on Friday, it is a new beginning. That'w hos I need to look at it.

I also have (had) the most amazing job with the most amazing people. They threw me one hell of a leaving party. With lots of laughs. Lots of hugs. Lots of drinks. Lots of love. I will never forget it. They are a good bunch. Some of the best. In case you were wondering.

4 days, 5 nights, left of my life in England. It's still incredibly surreal. I don't know if I'll get it even when I am on that plane. Life will never be the same again. That's for sure.

Random thoughts I can't control

It's a strange feeling. In one week and three days I am leaving London, and England. I've been here for the last five years. But now it's time to fit all my possessions into suitcases and boxes and send them across the sea to Sweden. I have two days left at work. A job I have loved, and hated, and enjoyed, and found very educational. And I've met some incredible people there. If I had stayed longer I'm positive some of them would have become life long friends. Now I'm leaving a bit too soon for that to happen. But you never know.

There are some other people though, people who have become more family than friends. I'm not really sure how I will manage life without you. How I will go through life without you at my side.

But then again, I don't know how to go through life without my actual family right now either. So while the choice has been incredibly difficult and painful to make. It wasn't ever really a choice. From the moment I heard the words that changed my life I knew that this is what had to happen. I knew it deep down that there was no other option.

And yes, there's many things that I'm leaving behind. But then, there's also things I am coming back to. Not just my amazing parents and my wonderful brother. There's also two best friends. One of whom is about to become a mother and make me an honorary aunt. The other one is at the same stage of life as I am. Unsure about what the future holds. And there's food. And tv. And my native language. And snowy winters. And triple-glazed windows and proper heating.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm confused. And I'm torn. But no matter how unsure I become. It is time. It is time to move home. It is time to face it all. And for me to do that I need to be closer to them all. It has been one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.

One week. Three days.

It's absolutely insane when I think about it. It is absolutely mental that my family and I are going through this right now. And will continue to go through for the rest of my life. It's been six weeks since we found out. And it's as unreal as it ever was.

I am going to try and be an optimist about this

I was left to my own devices
Many days fell away with nothing to show

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Grey clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

We were caught up and lost in all of our vices
In your pose as the dust settled around us

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Grey clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
If you close your eyes

Oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?
Oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Grey clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

If you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

Pompeii by Bastille

Sunshine

I guess I better get used to it. This roller coaster of emotions and state of mind.

Today is so far better. I am being practical today. And lazy. Which means that I am managing to combine some serious laziness and just lying around with some serious packing and sorting. Which is actually a really good combination!

It's sunny. I'm wearing a dress. I'm off today AND tomorrow.
And I look forward to an afternoon in the sunshine of our lovely garden.

First mission is to do a first sorting through of my wardrobe. And then go to Sainsbury's since I have no food.

Then, then I will lie in the sun and let the warmth heal me. At least for now.



Oh, and I booked my flight. 16th of August. That's the day I will be saying good bye to England after five wonderful years. Weird. Wonderful. Sad. Surreal. Exciting. Emotional. The right thing to do.