The ultimate paradox

Looking back I can't say when it all began. Usually I know the answer. Most things began on that day now many years ago. The day everything changed. But not this, this came later. D Day rather had the opposite effect thinking back. During those years of tears, loss, pain and close friendships this strange feeling was never present. I sought what I no longer can deal with. It's strange, isn't it? How you can change so drastically without even noticing. I've become so used to being able to pin point the day. Now I can't. But never the less, it's present. Always. Everywhere. And what does it matter when it started? Isn't it more relevant to know when it ends?

It hits when I expect it. Which is funny since nothing ever used to. But now I can see it ahead of time. I can walk into a room knowing it will hit. I can know days in advance. It's a never ending battle, that I often lose. You probably can't see it. Or maybe you can. Maybe I don't give you enough credit. I probably don't. I try so hard not to show it, while at the same time screaming for you to know. It's the ultimate paradox. How to keep something hidden, while wanting to talk about it. Wanting to be left alone, while wanting to be with you. Wanting to be ignored, while wanting you to see it all.

It makes it difficult. I know.