.

I looked into your eyes,

and I realised that you're more important to me than I ever knew.

It's weird, isn't it.

How you don't even know which ones are the important ones,

but at times it hits you.

Which ones are the good ones.

Like when you come into a room,

and when you see their face a smile spreads.

A warm feeling.

It's pretty nice,

I have to say.

How lovely it was

I learned a couple of things this past week,

like how England never feels further away than when you're in Sweden.

And how wonderful it is to sit around a dining table having a conversation with your grandmother, after not knowing if you'd ever see her again.

And how amazing my parents are for always, always, always being there. And how grateful I am that they accepted my tattoo, no questions asked.

Every time I go home, the feeling of wanting to leave shrinks a bit more.

Happy

In 15 minutes I'm going to take the bus to the bus station.

In 90 minutes I am going to hop on the coach taking me to the airport.

In 8 hours I am going to board the plane.

In 10 hours I am going to touch ground.

In 12 hours I am going to get off the train,

and have lunch with my mum.

And then we'll head home.

I cannot get the smile off my face.

Truth

No,

I'm not doing that great right now.

Yes,

I'm struggling.

Thoughts in the dark

When you sit on the floor,

hiding from everything.

Tears rolling down your cheeks,

and the world feels scarier than in a long time.

When you stare out the window,

wishing you could run away,

from the person that you've become.

And your life feels lonelier than in a long time.

When you shake uncontrollably,

thinking that this is better than not feeling anything.

Realising that they're wrong,

and hoping they will see it too.

When the candle in the window goes out,

the darkness surrounds you.

The world is out there,

and all you want to do is push it as far away as possible.

I'm coming home

Since I have probably the best mum in the world,

I am going on a quick visit to Sweden in two weeks time,

or actually, a week and a half.

Friday to Wednesday in the lovely place that I call home.

Inevitably, as soon as I bought the plane ticket yesterday I've started making a mental list of things to do and what to eat:

• Switch on the heating on the veranda, curl up in the hammock and read a book.
• Fika! Several times, every day. If you don't know what it is, google it! It's Swedish amazingness.
• Sit at the dining table making really bad jokes with my dad.
• Go see my grandma and giver her the bigges hug ever. Just cause she's old and perfect.
• Take a trip into town and walk around just taking in the Swedishness of it all.
• Eat the traditional, local sausage with mashed potatoes.
  
• Play with my baby cousin (who is 18 years old and not a baby anymore. But we still play, and laugh like to little kids when we meet).

In other words, it's going to be absolutely amazing. And since I won't be home for Christmas this year, this is definitely going to be precious :)

I took this photo last Christmas. Time will tell if this is what I'll be greeted with in ten days!

I love you

I have this memory,

from when I was around 9-10 years old.

We lived in Norway back then,

away from family.

In a new culture, trying to find our way on our first living abroad experience

(there's been plenty after that, moving is second nature to me by now).

One day my mum came and told me that the circus was coming to town,

and that if I wanted to we could go.

If I wanted to? What kind of question was that?

Of course I wanted to!

And then she said the magic words,

the words that has made this event stick in my head like few other memories have.

It was just going to be me and dad.

My brother was going to stay at home,

because mum thought it'd be good for us to have some time alone,

just me and dad.

I loved it.

I was in heaven.

Just me and dad.

No homework to be done.

No brother calling for attention.

It was a great day.

We bought popcorn,

and laughed at the clowns.

It was such a perfect day.

Now, living in a different country than my parents, I often think back to those days.

When it was just me and them, and my brother.

And I remember days like that,

with just me and my dad.

And it makes me want to buy the first plane ticket home.

Just to have one more day like that,

just me and my dad.

Things to spend money on

I had yesterday off,

that meant:

no reading for classes

no reading for essays

no writing essays

no visits to the library

no visit to campus

no feeling guilty about not doing any of the above things.

Instead,

I went into town.

And yes, I went shopping crazy.

The best thing I bought, by far,

were a pair of red jeans.

I L.O.V.E them.

They are definitely one of the best things I have spent money on since I returned here after the summer,

just losing by a small margin to my tatoo,

which I also love.

And the good thing with that is,

that unlike my new, wonderful pair of jeans,

the tatoo will last me a life time.

The jeans, sadly enough,

probably won't.

The jeans are from Zara, as is this photo.