It's raining outside

I close my eyes and pretend everything is alright. Only, I can't because it's too painful. I pretend she's here, and that we're laughing and joking and living. But I find myself unable to breathe, and instead I open my eyes. Because it's too painful.

I feel like I have no one to talk to. I don't know who has the energy to listen to me. To hear me out. I want to throw something. I want to shout. I want to fall apart. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop being okay in front of people. I want to do something so they know it's not okay. So they know I am broken and bleeding and falling apart.

I want my life back they way it used to be. I don't know what to do with all this pain.

I feel like people are disappearing. But I think it's me that's pulling away. I don't know how to deal with this, so how can I expect others to stick around for it?