No words

What do you do when you feel completely empty?
When you're walking along, laughing and talking to friends, but inside you feel dark and alone?
What do you do when you can't put your feelings into words? When you sit and stare at a facebook message for several hours thinking you should write someone to let them know how you are, but you just can't?

It hits me sometimes. When I least expect it. On Sunday evening I heard a song from one of my mum's favourite bands and I just fell apart. Today I walked home from work watching a beautiful sunset and tears were streaming down my face because she won't have another sunset.

I laugh. I talk. I work. I do everything normally. But something is wrong. A piece of me is gone. And I just don't know how to be in this world. Lost. Dark. Lonely. Sad. But those still aren't the right words. Because there are no words. There are literally no words for this. Because the idea of never, ever, ever seeing my mum again. It's just not possible.

There are no words. Just pain. And it's dark. And it's ugly. And do not say it will get easier. Because I will always live with this. And I will punch the next person who says that to me.