New year

I keep thinking that 2015 has to be better than 2014. Because that is how you think after having gone through such a difficult year as the previous one. But then I realise that it will never be better than 2014. It might not be full of hospital visits. Three month checks. Chemotherapy. Death. Funeral. Oh how I hope that 2015 will be free of all those things. But I had no idea when we stood here two years ago that 2013 would change my life forever.

2014 has been a long year. So much has happened. But it also went too quickly. Looking back my 27 years of life has gone too quickly. How I wish we could have slowed it all down, so that she could have been here longer. In so many ways it's been such a good year. We grew so close as a family. We fought together. And I am so so proud of all of us. We have so many wonderful memories from this last year as a whole. Now we're just a part. That's what it feels like. We are not whole. We set the table for three people. We do family walks, but there's only three of us. Someone is missing. And she will always be missed.

I can never get a better 2015 than 2014. It may have been the year that I lost my mum, and best friend. But it was a year when she was here. How can anything become better than that? It might have been hell, and the biggest battle we have ever fought. But she was here. And now we're heading into a year where she isn't. And that terrifies me. I'd much rather have stayed in 2014, at least then I was in a year where she also had been.

19th of November, at 7.57 am my mum died. She is dead. I need to repeat that to myself about once every hour of every day. She is dead. But, she didn't lose. People tend to say that this or that person has lost the fight against cancer. My mum never lost. She was a fighter to the very end despite being given no odds what so ever from the beginning. She never gave up on life. She is not a loser.

Happy New year. This became longer than I had planned. Sometimes I have a lot to say. I wish everyone a good 2015. Personally, the battle is far from over. It's going to be a tough year. An empty year.

Mamma, I will keep putting one foot in front of the other one for you.