Hate

I hate that I get a feeling of panic whenever I see my dad's or my mum's name appear on the display on my phone. My breathing stops for just half a second before I pull myself together and attempt to not make my feelings travel across the line. It's even worse when I see that I have a missed call from one of them. The number of thougts that go through my head before I call them back. I hate it.

And I hate that I am reluctant to answer when they call because I don't want to talk to them if it's bad news. If my mum is having a bad day. I don't want to know. I'd much rather run. Or pretend I'm in a meeting and therefore can't answer the phone. Just to allow myself a few more minutes or even an hour in a world without knowing the bad news I'm expecting to get. And I hate that I much rather go home to my flat and be on my own than going home to help my dad. Because one of the reasons I moved home was so that I could be here. For both of them. But I am so so so jealous of my brother who lives far away to not be the to go to person. But close enough to be able to come home at weekends. And I hate myself for being jealous of him. 

And I hate that some people when they look at me have this sad look in their eyes. As if I'm going to break at any moment. And I hate people who ask how I'm doing because how the hell am I meant to answer that question? And I hate when people who know my mum ask me how she's doing because I know that most of them are just curious and don't actually want to know because if they knew they wouldn't be asking in the first place. 

But most of all I hate this stupid cancer. I hate it so much. I hate it with every bone in my body. I am so angry that something can just come in and take over a body and slowly kill it. And I hate that there's nothing we can do. How can mankind be so developed in so many ways, but not be able to do anything about my mum dying? I want to shout and scream and kick and hit and fall apart. I hate feeling this helpless. 

And I hate that my mum is being taken away from me. She is being taken away from her potential would be grandchildren who don't yet exist. She is being taken away from my dad, and I don't know how he'll be able to live on his own. And that terrifies me. She is being taken away from this world. And I think that is what I hate the most. That my mum is being taken away from me, and everyone else in this world.