Mamma

I've never had a more surreal feeling in my life. How can you be dead? I just don't understand. Where are you?

Mamma

I live in a world where my mum no longer is.

I've never felt this empty.

The world is colourless

The realisation when you see relatives saying good bye to your mum as if it's the last time.

And when you start doubting whether going away with work for two nights next week is such a good idea because you don't know how much time there's left.

It makes everything else around you fade away.

Hate

I hate that I get a feeling of panic whenever I see my dad's or my mum's name appear on the display on my phone. My breathing stops for just half a second before I pull myself together and attempt to not make my feelings travel across the line. It's even worse when I see that I have a missed call from one of them. The number of thougts that go through my head before I call them back. I hate it.

And I hate that I am reluctant to answer when they call because I don't want to talk to them if it's bad news. If my mum is having a bad day. I don't want to know. I'd much rather run. Or pretend I'm in a meeting and therefore can't answer the phone. Just to allow myself a few more minutes or even an hour in a world without knowing the bad news I'm expecting to get. And I hate that I much rather go home to my flat and be on my own than going home to help my dad. Because one of the reasons I moved home was so that I could be here. For both of them. But I am so so so jealous of my brother who lives far away to not be the to go to person. But close enough to be able to come home at weekends. And I hate myself for being jealous of him. 

And I hate that some people when they look at me have this sad look in their eyes. As if I'm going to break at any moment. And I hate people who ask how I'm doing because how the hell am I meant to answer that question? And I hate when people who know my mum ask me how she's doing because I know that most of them are just curious and don't actually want to know because if they knew they wouldn't be asking in the first place. 

But most of all I hate this stupid cancer. I hate it so much. I hate it with every bone in my body. I am so angry that something can just come in and take over a body and slowly kill it. And I hate that there's nothing we can do. How can mankind be so developed in so many ways, but not be able to do anything about my mum dying? I want to shout and scream and kick and hit and fall apart. I hate feeling this helpless. 

And I hate that my mum is being taken away from me. She is being taken away from her potential would be grandchildren who don't yet exist. She is being taken away from my dad, and I don't know how he'll be able to live on his own. And that terrifies me. She is being taken away from this world. And I think that is what I hate the most. That my mum is being taken away from me, and everyone else in this world. 

The importance of people

I walked into the hospital and heard someone call my name. I didn't really pay attention because I assumed they didn't mean me. But it turned out to be one of my mum's brothers and my cousin. So we went up together to my mum's room. We sit there and chat. And my dad turns up. And after a while my dad's brother and wife appears. And we go to the common room and have coffee. And chat. And laugh. And my mum brings out some chocolate that a dear friend to her had brought her earlier in the day when she visited. And as we were sitting there and talking about how my mum's manager is coming to take her out for lunch in town tomorrow I was once again reminded of how loved my mum is. How loved we all are. And it gave me some peace. We are not alone. And that is such a wonderful feeling.

Thoughts at night

Today I was reminded of why moving home was the best decision I've ever made. Seeing my brother and my mum say good bye before we took him to the train station made me so happy that I could just say "we'll speak and see each other in the week". To be so close is painful. And tiring. And sometimes feels unfair and heavy. There's no escaping what's happening. But I'm here. I get to see my parents whenever I want to. I can go and hug my mum at any time. I can help my dad ease the burden. I can be there and tell stories from the outside world and in that way maybe make them forget, if even just for a millisecond.

It's scary to be so close and see what is happening. It feels like last week everything changed. Last week we hit the point of no return. The point we all knew was coming. But never could be prepared for. Now we're starting to talk about things I don't want to discuss. Like how beautiful the cemetery is. And different options. Options. Such a stupid word to use for this. We don't have any options.

And in all of this everyone's lifes goes on. Which is the sickest thing of it all. I may go to work. I laugh at jokes. I go to my meetings. I go to the gym. I see friends. But I'm not really doing any of these things. It's like I'm on auto pilot. My body knows what to do.

So while my brain is trying to catch up and understand how the hell we ended up here I spend my nights listening to music and watching candles burn. And taking sleeping pills. In the hope of actually getting some sleep. But I'm too afraid to take too many so don't think they do much good.

I miss my old life. So so so much. I know I've said it before. But I want to wake up from this nightmare. Please. Just let me wake up.