Airports

I have a love hate relationship to airports. I've spent so much time at them that they, along with flying, became a necessary evil. A way to go from one home to the other. Since we can't apparate or teleport we're left with aeroplanes.

But I also absolutely love airports. They're filled with so many emotions. People are excited. Heading out for an adventure. A well needed break. But people are also crying while saying good bye. I've done my own share of crying at airports.

Today I feel like I belong to.both othergroups. Filled with excitement and joy I'm waiting to board my flight to Rome to meet up with the best of the best. My people. They flew from London last night and are waiting for me. But it's also incredibly sad that I'm going and that my parents never got the chance this summer. It's their house. They deserve to go. To get away from the nightmare that our daily life has turned into.

But I'm going. And it will be wonderful. I'm so excited and when I think about the people waiting for me a large grin spreads across my face. An entire week. With my people. Away from reports. And organizational changes. And population forecasts. And eu grant applications. And most of all. A week away from cancer.

Sounds like heaven.

Things you don't think about

I went to a colleagues surprise leaving party tonight. It was lovely and lots of fun. Since I work at the same place as my mum, and we share the same colleagues this man is obviously her colleague to. I know it broke her heart slightly not being able to have been there. They had their offices next to each other and were very close. Throughout the evening I found myself thinking that she should be there instead of me. Something else I realised, which makes me incredibly sad, is that my mum won't get a leaving party. She is not coming back to work. She is terminally ill. But you don't throw a leaving party for someone who has left due to illness. That would be morbid and very odd. But it's sad. She won't get the speeches. The appreciation. The 'we will miss you'. I've never thought about that before. But today it hit me, and I almost had to walk out in the middle of a speech because I almost lost it. I didn't. But I'm doing it now instead.

She's not getting a leaving party. And that hurts more than I ever thought was possible.

Tears in my eyes

Some days are harder than others. Some evenings are more difficult than others. For no apparent reason. I mean, obviously there's a reason. I'm living with this constant dark cloud not so much on the horizon as looming right next to me. And while I've lived with darkness before I've never experienced anything like this. How could I have. But that means that some days, for no specific reason, are harder than others. Because no human being can live with this constant darkness in their life and not be effected by it. It's difficult. It's painful. And it's horrible. Everything else fades away in comparison.

Some evenings are just harder than others..

Pretending

Lying in bed having long conversations with myself. Can't sleep. I'm going through what I need to get done at work tomorrow. I'm planning what we're doing in two weeks when I'm going on holiday. I'm reenacting conversations with other people from a life time ago. Thinking about Malta. What the kids I worked with in Ecuador are doing now, seven years later. Going through every hole on the golf course and where I'd want my tee shots to go.

Thinking about anything.

Except the words I were told today.
"It has spread to more organs."
There's not much untouched left.

That person

Some people don't even have to be there in order to make a difference. Just by being who they are, wherever they are, they are special. That's the people you should hang on to. I have a few people like that. Whom are all further away than I'd like. But they still make me smile. Even without doing anything. I will see you soon. Two weeks and three days to be exact.

I hope you know how much I love you.