Putting up a shield

On the outside I might seem fine. I plan holidays. I laugh. I joke. I go to work. I go to bed in the evening. And I wake up in the morning. And most days I don't mention the darkness. Most days people who don't look properly wouldn't know.

But inside. I might be talking to you like nothing's changed. I might seem like the same person I was a year ago. But inside. Inside I am falling apart. I am angry. I am sad. I am furious. I am so pissed off I don't know what to do with myself. I am so angry with the world I don't know what to say. Or how to formulate myself. What kind of world do we live in? There is no rhyme or reason for anything. Nothing makes any sense. And everything. Everything, is unfair and unjust.

But I keep it inside. Because I don't know what else to do. If I was to let it out. If I was going to show you. Then I don't know if there's any way back. So instead I put up a shield. I wrap myself in this blanket of denial. And I live my life in a world where I pretend that everything is fine. I pretend that the actual reason why I'm back in Sweden isn't that my mum is dying.

In three weeks it's been one year. I can't believe we've lived with this for a year. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to. I want to wake up from this ridiculous nightmare. This joke someone is playing on us. Please just let me wake up.

I haven't let myself fall apart like this in a very long time.

I might look okay on the outside. But I feel like a shell of my former self.
I'm scared the world will never be colourful again.