Late night messaging with a dear friend.
A loving aunt calling asking to play golf.
Neighbours checking up on me.
Things that make me feel less alone.
It's good to be reminded that while I sometimes feel very lonely in all of this. I know I'm not. I know you're all out there.
So I am now off to spend four-five hours with the best of the best. With two people who love me unconditionally. Two people who, I know, would do anything for me. Two people who have known me my whole life. Two people who vowed to take care of me if something were to happen to my own parents. They truly have stepped up.
Sunshine. Golf. Aunt. Uncle. Aka godparents. It's turning out to be a good Saturday.
Finding the way through the pen. The escape music gives us. And with a camera at my side.
2014-05-31
2014-05-30
Facing what's to come, kind of
My mum and I have had a projekt all spring. We planted seeds in Match. And now we have beautiful plants all over the verandah. I love just sitting looking at them. They have become my babies. It's as if we're desperate to watch something living grow. It's peaceful and almost healing. To see that there is still life that can grow in this world.
I've been sitting among those plants today reading. I was looking through our book cases for something to read and my eyes stopped on a book my Kristian Gidlund. He was a Swedish journalist who was diagnosed with stomach cancer in the spring of 2011. He then started a blog to write about his internal war. Last summer his blog was published in a book. Just a short while later he passed away. He lived just over two years after he was diagnosed. I haven't had the strength or the courage to read his book. My mum bought it late last summer. And for a long time it was just lying in our living room. No one daring to open it. No one wanting to know what was inside. My mum has read it. Don't know if anyone else in my family has.
I started reading it today. Because if it's anytime that I will read it, it's when my parents aren't here. And if there's any place I should read it, it's here. In this house. On this verandah. Where I am at my safest. At a time and place where it's okay to fall apart.
I think this is something I need to do.
I've been sitting among those plants today reading. I was looking through our book cases for something to read and my eyes stopped on a book my Kristian Gidlund. He was a Swedish journalist who was diagnosed with stomach cancer in the spring of 2011. He then started a blog to write about his internal war. Last summer his blog was published in a book. Just a short while later he passed away. He lived just over two years after he was diagnosed. I haven't had the strength or the courage to read his book. My mum bought it late last summer. And for a long time it was just lying in our living room. No one daring to open it. No one wanting to know what was inside. My mum has read it. Don't know if anyone else in my family has.
I started reading it today. Because if it's anytime that I will read it, it's when my parents aren't here. And if there's any place I should read it, it's here. In this house. On this verandah. Where I am at my safest. At a time and place where it's okay to fall apart.
I think this is something I need to do.
Putting up a shield
On the outside I might seem fine. I plan holidays. I laugh. I joke. I go to work. I go to bed in the evening. And I wake up in the morning. And most days I don't mention the darkness. Most days people who don't look properly wouldn't know.
But inside. I might be talking to you like nothing's changed. I might seem like the same person I was a year ago. But inside. Inside I am falling apart. I am angry. I am sad. I am furious. I am so pissed off I don't know what to do with myself. I am so angry with the world I don't know what to say. Or how to formulate myself. What kind of world do we live in? There is no rhyme or reason for anything. Nothing makes any sense. And everything. Everything, is unfair and unjust.
But I keep it inside. Because I don't know what else to do. If I was to let it out. If I was going to show you. Then I don't know if there's any way back. So instead I put up a shield. I wrap myself in this blanket of denial. And I live my life in a world where I pretend that everything is fine. I pretend that the actual reason why I'm back in Sweden isn't that my mum is dying.
In three weeks it's been one year. I can't believe we've lived with this for a year. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to. I want to wake up from this ridiculous nightmare. This joke someone is playing on us. Please just let me wake up.
I haven't let myself fall apart like this in a very long time.
I might look okay on the outside. But I feel like a shell of my former self.
I'm scared the world will never be colourful again.
But inside. I might be talking to you like nothing's changed. I might seem like the same person I was a year ago. But inside. Inside I am falling apart. I am angry. I am sad. I am furious. I am so pissed off I don't know what to do with myself. I am so angry with the world I don't know what to say. Or how to formulate myself. What kind of world do we live in? There is no rhyme or reason for anything. Nothing makes any sense. And everything. Everything, is unfair and unjust.
But I keep it inside. Because I don't know what else to do. If I was to let it out. If I was going to show you. Then I don't know if there's any way back. So instead I put up a shield. I wrap myself in this blanket of denial. And I live my life in a world where I pretend that everything is fine. I pretend that the actual reason why I'm back in Sweden isn't that my mum is dying.
In three weeks it's been one year. I can't believe we've lived with this for a year. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to. I want to wake up from this ridiculous nightmare. This joke someone is playing on us. Please just let me wake up.
I haven't let myself fall apart like this in a very long time.
I might look okay on the outside. But I feel like a shell of my former self.
I'm scared the world will never be colourful again.
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