Happy

In 15 minutes I'm going to take the bus to the bus station.

In 90 minutes I am going to hop on the coach taking me to the airport.

In 8 hours I am going to board the plane.

In 10 hours I am going to touch ground.

In 12 hours I am going to get off the train,

and have lunch with my mum.

And then we'll head home.

I cannot get the smile off my face.

Truth

No,

I'm not doing that great right now.

Yes,

I'm struggling.

Thoughts in the dark

When you sit on the floor,

hiding from everything.

Tears rolling down your cheeks,

and the world feels scarier than in a long time.

When you stare out the window,

wishing you could run away,

from the person that you've become.

And your life feels lonelier than in a long time.

When you shake uncontrollably,

thinking that this is better than not feeling anything.

Realising that they're wrong,

and hoping they will see it too.

When the candle in the window goes out,

the darkness surrounds you.

The world is out there,

and all you want to do is push it as far away as possible.

I'm coming home

Since I have probably the best mum in the world,

I am going on a quick visit to Sweden in two weeks time,

or actually, a week and a half.

Friday to Wednesday in the lovely place that I call home.

Inevitably, as soon as I bought the plane ticket yesterday I've started making a mental list of things to do and what to eat:

• Switch on the heating on the veranda, curl up in the hammock and read a book.
• Fika! Several times, every day. If you don't know what it is, google it! It's Swedish amazingness.
• Sit at the dining table making really bad jokes with my dad.
• Go see my grandma and giver her the bigges hug ever. Just cause she's old and perfect.
• Take a trip into town and walk around just taking in the Swedishness of it all.
• Eat the traditional, local sausage with mashed potatoes.
  
• Play with my baby cousin (who is 18 years old and not a baby anymore. But we still play, and laugh like to little kids when we meet).

In other words, it's going to be absolutely amazing. And since I won't be home for Christmas this year, this is definitely going to be precious :)

I took this photo last Christmas. Time will tell if this is what I'll be greeted with in ten days!

I love you

I have this memory,

from when I was around 9-10 years old.

We lived in Norway back then,

away from family.

In a new culture, trying to find our way on our first living abroad experience

(there's been plenty after that, moving is second nature to me by now).

One day my mum came and told me that the circus was coming to town,

and that if I wanted to we could go.

If I wanted to? What kind of question was that?

Of course I wanted to!

And then she said the magic words,

the words that has made this event stick in my head like few other memories have.

It was just going to be me and dad.

My brother was going to stay at home,

because mum thought it'd be good for us to have some time alone,

just me and dad.

I loved it.

I was in heaven.

Just me and dad.

No homework to be done.

No brother calling for attention.

It was a great day.

We bought popcorn,

and laughed at the clowns.

It was such a perfect day.

Now, living in a different country than my parents, I often think back to those days.

When it was just me and them, and my brother.

And I remember days like that,

with just me and my dad.

And it makes me want to buy the first plane ticket home.

Just to have one more day like that,

just me and my dad.

Things to spend money on

I had yesterday off,

that meant:

no reading for classes

no reading for essays

no writing essays

no visits to the library

no visit to campus

no feeling guilty about not doing any of the above things.

Instead,

I went into town.

And yes, I went shopping crazy.

The best thing I bought, by far,

were a pair of red jeans.

I L.O.V.E them.

They are definitely one of the best things I have spent money on since I returned here after the summer,

just losing by a small margin to my tatoo,

which I also love.

And the good thing with that is,

that unlike my new, wonderful pair of jeans,

the tatoo will last me a life time.

The jeans, sadly enough,

probably won't.

The jeans are from Zara, as is this photo.

They call it poetry,

I walked into the book shop today,

five floors filled with stories

and tales and words. Beautiful

words that can fill an empty life

in a heart-beat.

I bought a book today, and now

I don't know how I ever lived without it.

No

it's not the Bible.

But it might as well be called that,

instead its name catche the very essence

Of the purpose of everything.of me.

Because isn't it what we're all trying to do,

one breath at a time,

one step at a time.

Staying Alive.

It's all I've ever wanted.

Now I look at it, and

realise that I have found my own bible.

Because isn't that what faith is

all about?

Finding our own way,

our own reasons,

for putting that one foot in front of the other?

I always knew words were powerful,

but tonight,

they've gotten new meanings, and new

power.

Roller coaster

Sunday was a below average day.

Monday was a really, really difficult day.

Yesterday was above average.

Today has been good.

I wish the roller coaster would end.

But at least the highs are more regular than the lows now.

Looking back,

seeing where I'm coming from.

That's something to be grateful for.

And thank you,

to all of you who make a difference.

I'd probably be under my desk if it wasn't for you.

(Photo from the Outer Banks, North Carolina)