Fighting

Sometimes I scare myself with how much I want to let myself fall into the darkness.

Your voice

Watching home made videos from your childhood is highly addictive. I could do it all night long. I get to see you. Hear your voice. And your laughter. I am forever grateful for all the times my parents have brought out the video camera. It is painful, tears run down my face. but it is so wonderful. It's my drug. I can sit and watch the same sequence over and over again.

How's it going?

Oh how I hate that question. Do you really want to know? Or are you just being polite?

I am sad. That's how I am. Sad. And angry. And lost.

There's your answer.

Two months

Tomorrow morning it's been two months. It seems like forever ago. And it feels just like yesterday. I keep replaying the last days, and that day, over and over again in my head.

I wonder if I ever will grasp the true meaning of it all. That she is gone.

Who do I text now?

There's so much I want to tell you. The little things. How I've knitted a scarf using my arms instead of knitting needles. That I've signed up for the 10km run you were meant to do in 2013. About the restructuring at work, and how no one really knows what's going on there. And that I made a delicious cake today.

It's so weird that you're not just a text message away. On Friday I picked up my phone as I was preparing to leave work, and I was going to text you asking if you and dad were having Friday pizza as usual. Then I realised that I couldn't.

I am so lost without you.

Night

When you dread the silence and the dreams you will be dreaming so much that you refuse to go to bed. And instead sit and watch the rain through your window.

I've never felt such pain and loneliness before.

Coldplay

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face

In, and then out

Some days it's hard just to be.
The days when you have to remind yourself that all you need to do right now is first to breathe in, and then out. Days like these that's really all I have to focus on. And that's difficult enough.