Pretending

In an effort to pretend nothing has changed I switched on my previous phone and there it was. My last text conversations with my mum. I can hear her voice in my head. I want to wrap those words around me like a warm blanket. Two days ago it would have been her 56th birthday. It was also seven months to the day since she died. Yesterday it was two years since she was given her diagnosis. It's been a weekend of trying to suppress all emotions in an effort to survive. Self defense. But now. When the weekend is over. And the silence is catching up. Everything just hits me. And I don't know where to go. I can't believe that I will never ever ever see her again. Or talk to her. Or hug her. How can that be true?

It's always there

Some days it just hits you. Knocks the wind out of you. And it's happening all over again. You're sitting next to her bed holding her hand. You're telling her it's okay, that we'll be okay. And you watch as she stops breathing. And the world just goes quiet.

And then you realise it's actually been almost seven months. But it will never stop happening. And you curl up into a ball and let it all out. Because the pain and the longing and the frustration is just too much.