Sentences I've come to hate

Everytime I hear my mum say the words "we know there's no cure" it kills me a little bit.

The good and the not so good

I don't like this period. The days running up to the next round of chemotherapy. She's so tired. And you can tell she's in pain. Although she tries to hide it. The days during chemotherapy and directly afterwards are much better. Strange how it works, isn't it? Before all of this I would have assumed that during chemo is when a person would be feeling worst. I know it's individual. But still. It surprised me.

Sixth round coming up. The final one for now. One month left until we know the results. That means one more month for me to live in my bubble. One more month of denial . And then it will be thrown in our faces.

Today we celebrated my paternal grandmother. She turns 90 on Tuesday. Ninety years old. That's really old. I want to sit at my mum's 90th birthday laughing and celebrating just like we did today. I'm hoping for a miracle. Come on science. I know you take huge steps in the right direction every day. You can do it.

Happy birthday farmor (as she's known to me. Means 'fathers mother'), you are one hell of a person. Thank you for never getting tired of playing the same board games with me over and over and over again when I was a kid. I will always love you for that.

Life in Italy

So, I can’t be bothered to write much, but here’s some photos from Italy! We hiked, we went to a vineyard, we basked in the sunshine. Abruzzo is more nature than city life, as you can tell from the photos!

Who needs London anyway?

I went to Stockholm this weekend to hang out with my awesome brother. He's bought a flat there and since he has no driving license I had to come to the rescue so he could get some furniture for his pretty place. So we rented a car and went to a massive retail area where they have everything you can possibly need for a home. They also have the second largest IKEA in the world. We spent many many many hours there. And by the end of the weekend his place is actually starting to look like a place where someone can live! Mission accomplished!

Yesterday my train didn't leave until 1.30pm so after I had had breakfast I took the subway into the city and walked around a bit. It made me realise that I had actually spent the weekend in Stockholm! Since my brother now lives in a suburb we weren't actually in the city of Stockholm, and in order to feel like you've been in Stockholm you need (well, I do anyway) to walk past parliament and along the shopping street of Drottningatan (Queens Street). It's kind of like when you get to Piccadilly Circus in London and you realise that you're actually in London. What hit me as I was walking through the heart of Stockholm was how much nicer it is than London. There's more water, lots of more water. Which is pretty in any city. There's lots of shops, which is good. But there's not that much people! It's not super crowded on the streets (okay, I was there on a Monday during work hours, but think Oxford Street, think Monday. It's still crowded.). And you can breathe the air, there's not a lid of heavy smog hanging above your head. And traffic noise isn't screaming in your ears. I kind of fell in love with Stockholm all over again yesterday for all these reasons.

Who needs London? Some of the people there are amazing (don't worry, I haven't forgotten you!), but the city itself? I can't say I miss it.

Top three in my heart

Yesterday when I was listening to the radio they played one of my all time favourite songs. The woman who requested it e-mailed saying that if they played the song she would put ear protectors (or whatever you call them in English) on her 6 month old baby and turn up the volume as much as she could and sing along at the top of her voice. So I decided to do the same. I was in the car. So I turned up the volume. I've probably put it up here before. But who cares. It's a great song.

When I was young I knew everything
She a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm guilt stricken,
Sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice

I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's
Vacation to forget her
His girl took a weeks's worth of
Valium and slept
And now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his
Head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really
Wept he says

I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

We've tried to wash our hands of all this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our
Heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to
Slip, we'd say

I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
And I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

The Verve Pipe

Our favourite place

Last summer my parents bought a house in Italy. Caramnico Terme to be exact, in the region of Abruzzo. It’s their hidden treasure, a place where they can relax and just be at peace. Last week was the first time that the whole family were there together. I’ve been once before, in October last year. For my brother it was his first visit to Italy. I took advantage of the impressive and beautiful landscape and played around a lot with my camera. Here’s a few pictures from the week, and more will follow.

 

Food in the seaside town Pescara. It’s about an hour drive from Caramanico to get to the Mediterranean.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cooking in the house. Pasta with pancetta and lots of local vegetables. The mountain is part of one of the ridges that surrounds the village.

Denial as the best defence

Things are getting personal. I realise that. And I will sometimes dump very personal stuff here. I don't write about these things anywhere else. And most of my thoughts on all of this I do not formalise. They're just in my head. But sometimes I need to get it ouf of my system. Written down somewhere. And I want people to know how I am. People who might read this blog. Friends. Because I do not write about it that much in e-mailes or messages. Because as you can see, I'm denying it all. And who knows, maybe someone else in a similar, horrible, nightmare'ish position will read this and know they're not alone. We're all in this together. Fighting this monster.

It's terrifying. Absolutely terrifying, to think of the death of a parent. We all know it will happen. It's how it's meant to be. People have children. The children grow up while the parents grow old. Then the children have children. And the parents become the grandparents. And then the grandchildren grow up, while the parents get even older. And then they pass away. At the age of 80 or 90, or sometimes 100. Like my grandfather. My amazing, beautiful knight in shining armor He died the year he was going to turn 90. And he was only sick the last six months of his long and wonderful life. That's how it's meant to be. While the death of a parent must be horrible, and terrifying even at that stage, it's somehow manageable. Because you've been prepared for it your whole life without realising. It sounds horrible. But it's true. And it gives you peace and hope to know that they lived a happy, long life.

My mum will most likely not get that ending. My mum is 54 years old. And she is the most amazing, wonderful, strong person I know. She is my hero. And right now she is fighting an incurable disease. An alien has taken root in her body, in her stomach, and is slowly fighting its way through her body. It's reached her pancreas. Her lungs. Her skeleton. And her liver. She is doing chemotheropy. We are going to halt it. So we get more time. Because according to the doctors that's all we can hope for. And that is all we want, isn't it? Everyone? We all want time with the people that we love.

I moved back to Sweden so that I could be closer to my family. It wasn't the only reason. But it certainly put things in perspective. What's very strange though is how I felt more aware of the cancer when I was in London than I am now. In London I would get panic attacks. I would fall apart completely. I didn't sleep. I would sit in my room, with the lights out and hug myself while crying hysterically. Maybe it was partly because it then was so much fresher. It was new. I was in shock. I was in the first stage. It didn't seem real and I would work myself up by not being able to see my mum every day. I didn't know how she was doing. And I would imagine her ill and weak and sad.

Now I'm home. And while I sometimes question what I've done. Changed my entire life around because of this. I wonder if I was stupid giving up a good job, with great colleagues. Leaving some of my closest friends behind, whom I now miss terribly. Was it the right decision? Of course it was. But it all almost seems more unreal now. I wake up in the mornings. I have breakfast with my mum. We chat. We get on with our days. And she's mum. She sleeps more than she used to. She takes slower walks than before. But she's mum. It's impossible to get it through my head that she is so sick. I just can't do it. And I don't want to do it.

I want to keep living in this wonderful state of denial. Where everything is still okay. Where the events of the 20th of June 2013 doesn't exist. Because in this world it's me and my mum. Spending wonderful quality time together. Like a lovely long vacation. I'm not unemployed living off my parents. And she does not have a giant tumour in her stomach. It's just us. Like normal. Because everything else is too hard. It is too painful. And it is too terrifying. I cannot picture a world without my mum. I do not know how that world would look like. It would be a cold, lonely and dark place. A place I cannot go. That's not an option. So I live in this world of denial. Because right now it is the best I got. It's the only thing I have.

I'm worried that I will get ripped out of this world soon though. Because we are getting eerily close to the end of chemo. Fifth round tomorrow and Thursday. And then one more round two weeks later. And then we'll get to know if it worked or not. If it's halted, or if it's continued spreading.

I hope it worked. I really really really realy hope it worked. But I'm scared. I'm absolutely terrified.

Tears don't mean you're losing

I stare at my reflection in the mirror
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error
I nearly left the real me on the shelf
No, no, no, no, no

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

Tears don't mean you're losing
Everybody's bruising
Just be true to who you are

Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah
The more I try the less it's working, yeah, yeah, yeah
'Cause everything inside me screams
No, no, no, no, no

Don't lose it all in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

But tears don't mean you're losing
Everybody's bruising
There's nothing wrong with who you are

Yes, no's, egos, fake shows like whoa
Just go and leave me alone
Real talk, real life, good luck, good night
With a smile, that's my home, that's my home, no
No, no, no, no, no

Don't lose it all in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

Tears don't mean you're losing
Everybody's bruising
Just be true to who you are

Jessie J.