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lisamlarsson

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7 years and 364 days

I haven't written for a while. But now seems appropriate. Tomorrow's the day. The dreaded day. Just thinking about it gives me goosebumps. I've come so far. I don't want it to pull me back down again. I don't think it will. I will not let it. But still. You never know. I will dream about you tonight though. And tomorrow. I can't believe it will have been 8 years tomorrow. EIGHT years. That's a really long time. But as always, and probably for forever, I remember it like it was yesterday. I won't bore you by going into the details. Again. That day showed me how dark the world can be. But also how strong friendships are formed. How close people can become after having faced a nightmare.

I've come a long way.
But I have by no means forgotten about you.
You're in everything I do.
And I miss you.
And I wonder what kind of wonderful women you would have grown up to be.
Would you have travelled the world? Studied at uni?
There's no point to think 'what if?'.
But sometimes I can't help it.
That day my world changed.
7 years and 364 days ago.

It still feels like yesterday.

Looking out the window

It's destructive,
this world we're living in.
You're supposed to do so much,
be so much.
And yet we are clueless,
not knowing what to do, or what we are.

You are bombarded with information from all corners,
there is nowhere to hide.
You're expected to be up to date,
every hour, every minute.
But you know that it is killing you,
this constant need to know everything.

It hurts,
it's like a constant reminder.

The virtual world is crap, real life is so much better.
Caye Caulker, Belize. Dec. 2009.

Of what I used to have,
of who I used to have.
Of what I used to do,
and never will do again.
Of who I used to laugh with,
but are not anymore.
It's a reminder of everything,
the good and the bad.

Right now though,
the bad seem to be winning.
So I'm taking a break from it all.
To run away from the pain,
the confusion,
the heartaches.
I'm saying good bye,
I don't know for how long.
But no,
you cannot find me on facebook.



It hurts too much.

My day

Today is the first time since 2008 that I'm home for my birthday.

By home I mean my parents house in Skövde. 

The house that has been 'home' my whole life,

regardless of if I've lived here or not.

I've lived more of life in other places than this beautiful house,

but this is where I get that feeling of 'home' when I open the door.

It's nice to get to be here today.

And to have a traditional birthday, with the grandparents,

and lots of cake.

I also got a feeling of Notts as I talked to two of my lovely friends over there around 1am.

Which was midnight over there, which meant I got some birthday wishes from over there too.

That was a great start to this 25th birthday of mine 

(now that I've reached it 25 doesn't seem that old anymore)

Now I'm going to meet up with the best person there is.

My beautiful, amazing best friend.

We're going for coffee.

Like we did last year on my birthday.

It's going to be a good day.

Essays are handed in
Suitcase is packed.
The sun is shining.
That means one final night with the library crew,
but with one big difference,
we won't be in the library!

I'm excited to go home,
but I'm gonna miss this place.

It's not that bad

I just wanted to say the magic words.

Because no matter how stressful this time of year is.

Three major deadlines within one week.

It's stressful, it's horrible, it's borderline inhumane.

But still.

Despite all this.

I think of the past week,

and it's been long days in the library.

It's been hard work.

But still.

There's been so much laughter.

There's been so many stupid conversations.

There's been so much happiness.

There's been so many friends.

When all this is over.

When I stand there with my degree.

These are the days I will remember,

and look back at with a smile on my face.

The long, difficult hours in the library.

With good, lovely, amazing friends helping me through it.

We keep each other sane,

or we help to make each other crazy.

No matter what,

we're in it together.

And I love them for it,

every single one.

Effie

It used to be the day of darkness.

It's not anymore.

It's still quite a sad day though,

reminds me of how much I miss you.

And how much my life has changed since that day.

7 years. 6 months.

Nothing will ever be like it used to.

Why am I doing this?

I really should stop reading what you write.

It only brings pain and bad memories.

And fyi, I didn't dump you. You turned your back on me.

Which pushed me over the edge once and for all.

Just to let you know.

Finding a balance

It's that feeling.

Of having wonderful days surrounded by beautiful people.

And then having dark nights, filled with monsters.

It feels like I'm not allowed to take the happiness with me when I switch off the lights.

Well...

What can I say?

It clearly isn't over....

Which kind of sucks.

But then again,

what was I expecting?

It's like it's saying:

Did you really think you were rid of me?

And then laughs,

right in my face,

really loudly.

Here we go again

It's kind of scary,

how comfortable this feeling is,

how familiar it is.

It's been with me all day,

and I've just let it be there.

Without even trying to fight.

Some days,

some days you just have to let it come.

Right?

That doesn't meen it will be like before,

it's just one day.

Please let it be just one day...

I don't want to have to run away...

Photo taken in northern Mexico on the way to the US.

No roots

Somewhere out there's a dream that's not forgotten

But this world is never stopping for me

But I will try and I will keep on trying

I set my goals there's no denying

Never stop fighting

For What I believe

Many people will come and go

Many faces long lost you know

Many fights many makeups

Many kisses, too many breakups

I got no roots they're not set in stone

I got no place that I call home

I'm just a low low lonely soul

I got no roots they're not set in stone

I got no place that I call home

I'm just a low low lonely soul

And the time will come when the day is done

And the fighting's over the race is run

I don't know what I'm looking for

And this life I lead it's a curious thing

But I can't deny the happiness it brings

I don't know what I'm looking for

Many people will come and go-o-o

Many faces long lost you know

I'm just a low low lonely soul

Nothing like a bit of Amy Macdonald to get me through all these articles on EU's foreign policy.

No explanation

You always hear the words,

It will get better.

And you nod your head,

while thinking no, it won't.

You wake up in the morning,

into the cold and the dark.

And you shake your head,

and pull the cover over you.

You go out and see friends,

you laugh and you smile.

See, I told you it'd get better!

You go home, and you shake your head,

while thinking no, it just looks like it's better.

You wake up in the morning,

and you can breathe.

You decide to fight,

you decide that they will be right.

One day, without really knowing how,

or why, or when.

You look out the window,

and you realise that yes,

it did get better.

Living with the books

Exams.

But for once I'm actually really calm about them.

Not sure if that's good or bad,

I guess the results will let me know.

It's weird to think that these are my last January exams,

ever.

Travel geek

I came back from Australia yesterday,

and I had three amazing weeks down under.

And I've accomplished one of my travel geek goals:

To visit all the continents (not counting Antarctica), and to have stamps from all of them in one passport.

I'm a geek, I know.

But I'm keeping this passport for forever.