Grace

I'm on my knees
only memories
are left for me to hold

Dont know how
but Ill get by
Slowly pull myself together

Theres no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace

I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world

Come what may
I wont fade away
But I know I might change

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
Ive lost everything
I just want to feel your embrace

Kate Havnevik.

On a personal note

It's been just over a year since I picked up the pen again. And I truly have tried to keep this my own private space. I am grateful to everyone who reads it, I don't care of it's one person, twenty or no one. I write for me. I'm trying to heal. Which is very, very, very difficult. It's a long process.

I am currently going through an internal change. Which is why I took the opportunity to also redo the blog a bit. Try to 'brighten' it up a bit. And yes, I do know it's not a colourful explosion. But to me it's serene and calm. Which is what I need right now. And while my melancholic state of nature probably never will change, I am trying to find the light. We'll see if it's still out there waiting for me or if it's moved on to better things.

Thank you for being part of the process. I know I'm annoying and whiney a lot of the time. But this is my space. This is where I don't have to put on that smile and pretend everything is okay, when it's not. And this is where I get to be like that in order to not have to be all depressed when I'm out in the real world.

And by the way, the soundtrack to Grey's Anatomy is amazing and I'm considering starting a series of posting all the lyrics to all the songs just because they all are perfection.

When you think about it

I was sitting in my chair,
by my window.
There's this giant tree outside where the leaves now are so plenty it could be the rainforest.
Okay, maybe not the rainforest,
but you know what I mean.
It's plain beauty.
There is so much of it out there,
and I can't help but wonder why we don't see it more often.
Or maybe that's just me.
There's this filter covering my pupils,
only allowing me to see certain things.
And making things look in a special way.
Everyone has their own filter,
shaped by their past and looked through with their present.
Isn't it strange,
we all start off at the same position.
Neutral, empty.
And as the years go by we are filled with love, lies, laughters, lives.
And by some miracle of events we turn into the people we are here and now.
Change one second of your past,
and nothing would be the same.
Some turn out to change the world,
some turn out to save lives,
some live their lives happily on the sidelines,
some end up doing something they never thought was possible.
But we all started off at the same place,
and yet we all turn out so differently.
It's quite a miracle,
when you think about it.
There are so many people walking this earth,
and still not two are identical.
Not even identical twins are identical.
Everyone is unique.
It's quite extraordinary when you think about it.

It's raining

Trying hard to not go there,
but words form sayings for a reason.

It's easier said than done.

Routine

It's a strange feeling,
looking at photos knowing things will never be the same again.
It's a strange feeling,
losing someone without really knowing why.
It's a strange feeling,
to sit here and wonder where it all went wrong.

I wake up in the morning,
I get dressed,
I go to school,
I talk, I read, I laugh.
I go home in the evening.
I go to bed.
Everything looks the same.
But every morning I fight that voice.
Every day I pretend everything is okay.

Every evening I fall apart.

Life lesson

How to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment
How to defer to men in solveable predicaments
How to control someone to be a carbon copy of you
How to have that not work and have them run away from you

How to keep people at arms length and never get too close
How to mistrust the ones who supposedly love the most
How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone
How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone

I'll teach you all this in 8 easy steps
A course of a lifetime you'll never forget
I'll show you how to in 8 easy steps
I'll show you how leaderships looks when tought by the best

How to hate women when you're supposed to be a feminist
How to play all pious when you're really a hypocrite
How to hate god when you're a player and a spiritualist
How to sabotage your fantasies by fears of success

I've been doing research for years
I've been practicing my ass off
I've been training my whole life for this moment I swear to you
Culminating just to be this well-versed leader before you


I'll teach you all this in 8 easy steps
A course of a lifetime you'll never forget
I'll show you how to in 8 easy steps
I'll show you how leaderships looks when tought by the best

How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else
How to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself
How to numb a la holic to avoid going within
How to stay stuck in blue by blaming them for everything


Alanis Morissette, you help me make sense of it all.

Running out of words

Pushing everything down to hide the truth,
while screaming for someone to understand.

Let me go

There's a silence in my head I am trying to drench.
But it's not silent in the sense that it's quiet.
Quietness would be welcomed, it would be a relief.
Do you see the spot in my eyes?
There's this point I can't see past.
It blocks my sight,
and I am trapped.
The silence is loud, and it hurts.
I turn up the music, to hear something else for a while.
I keep telling myself it's all in my head.
And it probably is,
but that does not make it not real.
And that spot blocking my sight,
I have a feeling it's never going away.
In my head there's this voice telling me to learn how to live with it.
And I thought I had.
But who can learn to live with darkness?
Who wants to learn how to live with the horrors of night?
The silence drains me.
I don't know what to do anymore.